I miss my old life and I hate that I do.. I use to party with friends and drive hours to hang out with boys.. I wasn't safe and I really wasn't that smart about it.

There are parties I barely remember. I remember getting there popping a capsule filled with MDMA and I'd party till I crashed.. I've been the girl to ask how many guys I blew the night before.. I'm not proud hut I'm not ashamed either.

I guess I miss the freedom and carelessness I had. I always felt great about myself.. but I always had someone telling me how pretty or sexy I was.. I was never sober.

I miss my baby daddy.. I fell head over heels for him when we first met.. though it was so fucked up and I fell for a lie.. the lies cleared but hut our relationship turned to shit. He had a drug addiction and my self esteem dropped thru the floor.. we lived together and I lost my job. I found out I was pregnant and stopped craring for myself like I use to.

I'm 19, 20 in February, and 17 weeks pregnant with my baby boy.

I never wanted kids.. at least not this age or under this circumstance.

I want to be that party girl I was with no obligation. I want to talk to a million different guys at once and lead them all on as horrible as it is.. it made me feel good about myself.

I want to have a healthy relationship with my baby daddy because I still love him.. my family hates him though and I need my family's support..

I want to feel good about myself again. I don't want to continue to feel ugly.. Im bawling my eyes out just trying to process how I feel..