please hear me out.. Long post.. Includes domestic violence and death so could be tmi for some people. 💔

So I’m 26.. I have 3 children (1 stillborn) and 2 healthy boys who are now 6 and 8. I have a baby on the way too (13 weeks pregnant).

My life hasn’t been easy.. growing up my parents were brilliant (I’m an only child). But my father struggled with manic depression. So my mum has never worked since Iv been born. She looked after my father and we was happy.

As life went on.. I begin my own relationships with boys. Which ended in disaster. The fathers dad was my first ever boyfriend when I left school and we was happy until he started to cheat and deceive me. I got the courage to leave him after 6 years of being together. I was messed up, I was a single mother of 2 young children. I struggled but I got through it and started dating again. I met someone else and that lasted 2 years as he was a cheat too. (Slept with one of my closest friends).

By this point I started to lose faith in men. I thought what am I doing wrong, all I ever did was love and care for those around me.

I started to drink heavy and loose my mind. After a few months, I met someone else, to me it was too fast and didn’t want to rush into anything. I was confused and broken.. but he was loving and charming and I fell for it. After 6 months of dating.. he started to change. I told him about my life and how difficult it had been with previous relationships and he was understanding but by 6 months we started to argue, every day he would buy my love with gifts, stop me seeing my friends and family.. then the violence came. I literally fell for his ‘love’. He would always tell me he loves me and that’s why he’s so harsh on me, he would push me down the stairs and grip my wrists, grab my face, get drunk, grit his teeth and shout at me.

I once locked him out of my house and he climbed on my bins to get in a window. He was very controlling. By this point my friend knew everything as I cried to her one night. She told me I need to leave or he’s going to kill me. I didn’t listen.

He forced me to stop the depo injection and he eventually quit his job so he could watch me 24/7.

At first I was afraid but I started to loose it.. I didn’t care what happened to me so I started to argue back and so on. He didn’t like that I started to have a voice. Things got worse. One night he came back to mine drunk... I asked for my front door key back. He didn’t like what I said so he dragged me to my front room and gripped my throat. He started to strangle me. My life flashed before me, my kids, my parents, my father especially as I was a daddies girl. I struggled and he lost his grip. I ducked under his arm and ran for the front door, I started to leg it down the road, it was dark and no one was about (about 4am). he ran after me.. but I ran down a alley and jumped a fence, there was some bungalows there and I hid behind one of the bungalows. I rang 999. I told the police he was going to kill me please help. They asked if I could escape from where I was and there wasn’t really anywhere I could go. I could hear him shouting me. I was petrified. There was a huge hedge next to this bungalow and I told the police. He then said climb through it and run. So that’s what I did.. it was hard but I eventually climbed through. My clothes were wet and filthy. I ran across this field and the police were waiting for me. I felt a sigh of relief. They took me back home.. opened the front door and there he was stood in my kitchen like nothing had happened. I started to be hysterical and said that’s him. The police handcuffed him and took him away.. as he was being led out the door. He was shouting ‘why are you doing this Claire, I love you’

I did a statement that day. By 8pm he had been released but was told to not go near me again. Iv not heard from him since. It’s now been 3 years.

Shortly After what had happened I became very depressed and my anxiety went through the roof, I wouldn’t leave my house. I couldn’t even take my kids to school. I felt a total failure. My OCD got out of control and started to have a fear of swallowing food. I lost loads of weight in a matter of months. I was drinking heavily again and my life was just a mess.

I had my friends round every weekend and we would drink silly amounts of alcohol (kids go to their dads on a weekend). So I started to get silly and have anyone in my house while being paralytic. Loud parties and drugs. I didn’t care about myself any longer.

It went on for months and months. I started to get complaints from neighbours for the noise I was making. So instead I would party at other people’s houses. I was like a teen again not giving a shit about anything.

Eventually I met some guy.. I didn’t want anything serious, I didn’t even want to get close. I treated him with so much disrespect and hatred. I just hated men. But he was always nice to me and tried to help me. My brain was still on overload with everything I’d been through. But He got me off the drink, he stopped the parties, my anxiety started to fade and I felt love again. It’s taking me a very long time to trust again. It’s taken over 2 years. (We’ve been together 3 now). He’s changed my life for the good. We are now married, living together with my two beautiful children. And we have a little one on the way. I couldn’t be any happier.

But then only 3 weeks ago.. my father was rushed into hospital with breathing problems. Over years my dad had lost his mobility with arthritis and spondylitis in his spine, neck, knees and hips. He became disabled over time when I left school at 16.

After being in hospital for 2 days.. we get a phone call to say my dad is deteriorating. We rushed to the hospital as fast as we could. They wouldn’t let us in.. I knew something bad had gone wrong but I was in denial. A doctor took me and my mum and husband in a room. My heart was pounding but I tried to keep calm for my unborn child. Then the doctor said them words you don’t want to hear..

‘I’m so sorry’ ....

I started to scream and cry hysterically! My heart had been shattered. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I only saw him the night before and he looked like he was getting better. Diagnosis was phenomena which caused a cardiac arrest.

I had so many questions in my brain.

‘Why have you left me?’ And

‘What am I going to do without you?’

He was my everything, my best friend. I was a daddies girl! He was such a gentleman, always put others before him and was the best at advice.

3 weeks have passed and we are here today. The worst 3 weeks of my life. The funeral was the best it could of possibly been. Family being there helped me a great deal.

My mother is now alone which breaks my heart. Life is quite a struggle again. But me being pregnant as stopped me going out of control. And of course my husband as been the best support ever!! I know my father wouldn’t want me to be sad. But it’s difficult, I cry a lot knowing I won’t be able to call him up and chat for hours or go round to see him and have dinner. Worst of all is his new unborn grandchild won’t ever see him.

And now as I get to what the title is about.

My mind sometimes feels like a piece of paper but scrunched up in a ball and my thoughts are all inside and I can’t get them out. It’s confusing and so frustrating. I just need some time alone away from everyone, I want no responsibilities, I want to feel free from my life. Only for a short while. My mind feels like it’s breaking down and I can’t cope with my demanding life. There’s so much more to my life that I could go on about. Such as money struggles etc.

But just to ask.. is there any advice or anyone who is so close to a nervous breakdown and what advice to give to stop this from happening?

I feel so drained from life and sometimes have thoughts I don’t want to carry on.

I’m obviously not going to harm myself as I’m a mother and I’m pregnant but them thoughts are still there. I’m only human.

Please be kind

Thank you

Claire