Sorry, like the title says, this will be long. But I feel like the whole story needs to be told for anyone to understand my feelings.

I met my husband in college Sept 2016. Our relationship was quick but with very little romance(partly due to my being a mom to a 2 year old). He moved in by November and the fighting began. We got physical but blamed it on both being abused as children. I knew the fighting was wrong but I trusted he loved me.

In July 2017, we married. The fights continued. A huge topic for us was his high sex drive and my lack of physical affection for him. Pregnancy made me even more distant and made my depression worsen.

November 2017 our son was born and things were even worse. Towards the end of my pregnancy, my husband began using steroids. This last 6 or so months. During this time, he also got a new well paying job and bought a fancy muscle car. As he got happier over his new life, I was slipping deeper into PPD. He began avoiding me, staying out all night, and talking to another woman. I finally had enough and flipped. One night I went after him until he got physical enough to scare me. Then I called the cops.... He went to jail that night. A few days later he called me, apologizing, pretending to understand why I finally snapped. He came back home.

All seemed fine for a few weeks until I realized he was talking to another woman. Again. And not just talking, sexting.That night, he revealed he was moving out and already had a place. Within 48 hours, he was with the woman he was sexting.

The affair was short lived but full of manipulation. Both told me any lie they could to keep me calm. "False hope is better than no hope" he said. It came to a head when he video taped me one morning as he told me he never wanted to be with me again, it was over. This video was for her....

Well, by July he was back with me. He says it's because he finally saw how much pain I was really in and it hurt him. We fought a bit but it was okay UNTIL I found dozens of saved texts. Not just saved, screenshotted. It killed me to see how he was with her. And to know it became sexual before I even knew she existed.

I've been told he wasn't with me, there was no way he was with me since I put him in jail, so it's not cheating. But I didnt know that at the time.

I still think about it all A LOT. Almost daily. All the texts and pictures. All the things he said to her that he never said to me. The way he lusted after her. The strength of the puppy love was so strong he told her she was his soulmate and I was just a mistake. How the fuck do I wrap my head around his wanting me now? I'm the good girl wife while she was his kinky dream come true...

Logically I know I shouldn't still be worried after 6 months of loyalty(I check every outlet he has. Not a hoe in sight). We are still married, we have a new house, we are talking about having another baby soon. Yet his whore haunts me. I can't even bring myself to delete the texts I saved between them.

Please, tell me someone else has been here without going crazy? I know I should've left a long time ago. But it's too late for that. I dont want to start over with a stranger. I just want to move past the pain.

Can you be anymore disgusting??