Ok so this may be a really weird type of anniversary butttttt I want to share anyway but I'm going to give a little bit of a backstory.

I had a pretty shit childhood, despite having a decent family. I was bullied really awfully from a very young age, sexually assaulted by some neighbors and people my parents called friends. I started self harming around age 10 and by age 12 I had attempted to take my own life. Eventually by about 13, self harm didn't do it for me, it didn't help with the pain anymore, so I turned to sex and drugs to make me feel something other than pain and sadness. I sexually acted out quite often, slept around with over 12 people by the time I hit 14, was using pills heavily by 14 as well. Along with the bullying I had dealt with and the fact that the drugs made me feel worse when I wasn't using, by my 14th birthday I had attempted suicide 4 times and been hospitalized 5 different times. Each time I played the system, acted ok. Each time, I played them and made them believe I wasn't suicidal and wasn't craving the drugs and each time I got out I started up again. By 16 I had slept with about 20 different people, I had went from easily getting pills to not having a dealer to get them from, so I began hurting myself bad enough to need a prescription of pain meds. I broke my wrist purposely. I intentionally got my ankle ran over and fractured it in 3 places. I intentionally broke my arm, my ankle, etc. All so I could get pain meds. I began stealing my mother's pain meds as well. I didn't feel guilty at the time, but I knew what I was doing was awful. (She has a broken back, RA, broken ankle that didn't heal right, 2 different pieces of a knife still embedded in her back from her policing days and her ex husband and a whole bunch of other shit) I also got Into 2 actual relationships which ended up very toxic and abusive but they provided drugs and i was so in need of feeling like someone needed me i stayed. In highschool I was kicked out numerous times and sent to alternative school or day treatment. (For those who don't know alternative is for kids who act out so much they get sent to a separate school that is extremely strict to encourage them to do better, its all day computer work set bathroom breaks. Day treatment is essentially the same but alot stricter. Most kids who go there are court ordered or have gotten in trouble due to alcohol or drugs related offenses on school property. You get drug tested, only have 5 bathroom breaks a day and the staff will stand at the door when you use it.) I was constantly kicked out of school due to fighting, lashing out at teachers, written up too much, hitting staff members etc.

My last abusive relationship when I was 16 is where it changed. I had gotten in trouble at school for drinking over half a bottle of Jack and had a shit ton drugs in my system and Ed ended up being escorted by ambulance and police to the hospital due to excessive vomiting and vomiting blood. After I spent what felt like forever in the hospital, I got sent to rehab. It was only a week inpatient and a year outpatient. During my time in there my current boyfriend, who was abusive mentally and physically, cheated on me and knocked another girl up. I was still so desperate to be wanted though that I stayed with him, until it became too much and he decided he didn't want me. I was still using, still self harming. I broke down in tears at my sister's graduation, which is where my current boyfriend saved the day and quite possibly my life. I had been into him since middle school but I was never his type, wasn't his friend type either, but he made sure I was okay, he gave me a place to rant, he made me feel safe and happy. I was still using at the time we got together but for once i didn't feel the need to get high. He changed my life around completely. After finding out about his drug addict parents abandoning him and how it made him feel, I didn't want to hurt him the way his parents had. He made me realize where I was headed. He made me realize I was hurting my family. With his help and my families, I began taking steps to get clean. To stop self harming. Eventually I found God as well. Once I accepted him as my Lord and savior, I honestly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

It's now been almost exactly a year since I've last touched a drug. A year since I last self harmed. And with guidance from family anf new friends, I bettered myself, and even graduated high school a year early. And I'm honestly proud of myself and wanted to share my story.