I never doubted anything about myself when I was with you. You made me feel beautiful, special and like I was the most important person in your life.

That is, until you cheated.

Now, I second guess everything about myself and our relationship. I wonder if you cheated because I'm a plain Jane. I wonder what kind things you say to me, you've said to the other women. I know for a fact that you don't tell me I'm gorgeous. You don't lust for me. You don't leave work in the middle of the day to see me.

You have no idea of the immense knock my self confidence has taken. You have no idea that I analyse every inch of my body and cry. Because I'm not blonde. Because I don't have full lips. Because I don't have tattoos. Because I don't dye my hair all sorts of colours. Because I don't wear a ton of make up. Because my eyes are plain brown, hidden behind glasses.

When you came home tonight and asked me why I was wearing a tinted lip balm, you made me feel bad. You made me feel like I'm not allowed to wear some colour on my lips. When you didn't even notice I did my hair and eyes yesterday, you made me feel bad. Because I'm trying to make myself more attractive to you and I'm just invisible to you.

You have no idea what you have done to me.

You have no idea the extremes I'm going through to try make me feel better.

Exercising more. Eating less. Diet pills. Microneedling my face, my scalp, my stretch marks. Creams with high AHAs. Minoxidil because I know I've been losing my hair due to my medical condition.

Appointments at the dentist for dental bonding. Appointments at the aesthetic clinic for fillers. I wish I could do something about my giant nose, but you know we don't have the money for that.

You have no idea how much you've shattered me.

I should have seen this coming. I wasn't given dog food to "share with your dogs because you're so ugly" when I was 14 for nothing. It took me years to recover from that. And I don't know if I will ever recover from this.

My dear husband. The man I have dedicated my life to. The one I wake up with. The one whose clothes I wash and iron, whose food I make, whose needs I tend to.

My dear husband, who has invoked a paranoia and insecurity I never wanted to know.

My dear husband.