Fetal demise

Two months have passed... I thought I was okay. I thought I had gone through all the stages of getting passed it. Now here I am finding myself crying mostly every day. It all still feels so fresh, as if just yesterday I was in the hospital under the sheets not wanting to see or hear anyone. My heart hurts it feels so empty and broken.... Becoming pregnant was not at all in my plans, so it was hard for me to accept the fact that I would soon be a mom but once I hit my 4th month I just loved the idea of having a baby, being a mom, I began buying baby clothes, arranging a baby shower with my sister, openly talking about the baby, all in all I was ready and so excited to meet her. I would count down the hrs until my due date, i would look at the calendar every day, everything I did revolved around my daughter. I desperately wanted the time to come, but deep down in me I sort of knew that time would not come I felt like It was a punishment for the feelings I had earlier on in the pregnancy, I could never really picture myself holding my baby. I just could not, but I kept telling myself that the pregnancy would be fine, my bf would reassure me daily that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe that so bad. And so the days passed I started feeling the baby kick, we went to the anatomy scan and saw the baby move around, i was full of happiness. I was having a bit of trouble gaining weight so I saw a nutritionist and right away focused on gaining the pounds I needed, I would go on walks, I would play music for her, I would talk to her... everything was just falling into place perfectly.. and then one or two weeks passed and I realized I was not feeling the baby kick any longer. I called my doctor and he said to not worry that those things were normal, I explained it was unusual and if I could just go in for a check up. He said he would see me on my next appt cause he was certain everything was fine so I said, “alright, so there is no need to worry right?” He reassured me and said, “no.” Through that week I tried so many things to try and have the baby move, at some point I fantasized that I actually felt her move. I knew it was in my head but I believed it anyway. Then my next appt came... my bf and I entered the room, my doctor did the usual things, but this time handed my boyfriend the transducer so he could find the heartbeat. So he began and nothing.. all he picked up was my heart beat, I knew I just knew what had occurred. My doctor brought in another stupid machine but I knew it already.. he tried saying, “well sometimes babies are stubborn” and then quietly said “i’m sorry I am so sorry but I’m not picking up a heart beat so that just means there’s no baby any longer.” My heart shattered into a billion pieces I felt like my heart was frozen, my bf panicked which broke my heart even more. I did not know what to do, he let me go home to think of my options. And that same night I chose to go to the hospital and initiate the birth. That whole night I was in shock, I was not fully there, it was only a part of me and I was not sure if I was okay... I’m still not sure if I am. I feel like every day that’s all I’m thinking about which I know is only normal but I just want to move forward and understand that god has a plan for everyone.