Going downhill

TW- Eating

Please help, I've struggled with my body image and weight for nearly 7 years now, and it's been a year since I really started making changes to what I eat, or more accurately what I don't eat. I've always been on the heavier side, so even though I've lost 8 or 9kg, it's never been a point of worry for other people. In fact, now people say I look much better. However, I know none of it was healthily lost. I only lost it because I started cutting out food, and I can feel myself getting worse and worse- I'm starting to panic when the number on the scale is higher, starting to feel the urge to purge even after a normal day of food. Some days I feel beautiful, those are the days I want to get better, when I want to have a normal relationship with eating again, but more often are the days when I take some sort of sick happiness in the coldness and hunger and weakness. The urge to lose more and more never left, I have already hit my goal weight which I set early last year, but now I feel like I need to lose even more. All I can think about is how much I ate, how much I weigh, how can I eat less. Please help me, I don't know what to do.