I’m 17 years old and my boyfriend is 17 as well. This is my first relationship I’ve ever been in. We have been together for two years now. April of this year, it will be three since we’ve been together. In August of 2017, it was my 16th birthday, things where amazing between us. two months after that, my boyfriend fell into this depression hole and it started to affect me, so my parents decided to forbid me from seeing my boyfriend at all, because they thought his emotions started to become a bad influence on me. That broke my heart obviously and it was long distance from that point on.

In December of 2017, my boyfriend and I are still long distance and I cheated on my boyfriend and kissed a guy friend of mine. What happened was, I invited my guy friend to this park just to hang out, I didn’t have bad intentions. We where just talking and sitting together, then the talking turned into flirting and before you know it, he leans him to kiss me, and unfortunately I don’t stop him, until he started making out with me, that’s when I pulled away and I told him this is wrong. Before you all go crazy, I did not allow my boyfriend to find this out on his own through a random person, I confessed to him on my own what I had done that same day my guy friend kissed me. I know I messed up and I still regret it today.

Here’s the plot twist, less then a week after telling my boyfriend that I cheated on him, he forgave me and he still wanted to stay with me. I was thinking he’s crazy. For sure I thought he was gonna leave me, but he did what I never thought a guy would do in a situation like this and that’s try to make it work. He told me he forgives me. He didn’t just let it go like that, it took a few months, he was very depressed, but we dug ourselves out of that horrible time in our lives.

We are still together long distance and plan on being with each other once I turn 18 this year in August. Here’s my problem, I haven’t forgave myself for what I had done to my boyfriend. The closer it’s getting to the day I get to reunite with my boyfriend, the more awful I feel, because I feel like I don’t deserve him. He always tells me he loves me the same and he wants me to let it go because he already did. I love him don’t get me wrong, I just don’t know if I’m the one for him. The fact that he is still here because he genuinely loves me just brings me to tears because I don’t know how I would of taken it if I was in his shoes.

I have questions and I need advice. Is my indecisiveness to stay with him a sign that I shouldn’t be with him? or is it just because we haven’t been with each other in person in a year? Do I just need to physically be with him again so my shame can go away once and for all?