Please read, I need opinions. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. People who partake or not, or disagree or not, i want to hear it.

I met a guy and he made it clear that he was controlling and wanted to dominate me. I was turned on by him and by the idea, and I’ve been interested in it before. I want to be spanked and choked and thrown around and treated roughly, but I also like the mushy stuff, in a non-cringe, sassy way. I drove to his place after work a few nights ago after talking for a while and knowing I wasn’t going to kidnapped or anything. He’s 27. I’m 20. He even explained over text what our meeting would conspire of. I was on my period so my thong never came off, but he fucked my throat so much deeper, harder, and longer than any guy has ever come close to. And he slapped my cheek and spanked my ass so hard I took a picture of his hand print on it the next morning. My gag reflex was going crazy and this is really gross I threw up a few times, the first time I ran to the bathroom and spit it out and the next times I swallowed it and the last time he came all over my face after dragging his balls all over my face, sitting on my chest and fucking my throat, and spitting on my face. The whole thing lasted so long. He literally came so loudly as i threw up a little, because my humiliation turned him on so much. Afterwards I couldn’t even talk but we cuddled and watched a movie about Aztec people sacrificing and killing each other. There has been so many thoughts going through my head since then. I drove the 30 minutes home then cried. I had a weird dream and then I have been really turned on since then. I consider myself a feminist so I don’t enjoy porn because I don’t like the objectifying of women or anything to do with rape or anything like that. I get turned on by being treated a little rougher than the average person but I have problems with anxiety and other things and I like to feel loved and respected and wanted to. I was going to try it out though. Then tonight we were texting, and I’ll include a few screenshots, and I found out just how deep his desires go. I sent him a porn video of a girl being spanked with a belt, and I couldnt even watch because of the sounds she makes. I’m an empath and I don’t like seeing people in real pain or suffering, it really affects me. I asked if he had ever whipped someone that hard. He replied that he had done even worse. Now I want to crawl into a hole not only because he is like that, but because I realized there are a whole load of men that take ultimate pleasure in making girls hurt. I could even kind of get over the whole using me almost as a sex doll idea, that was kind of hot. And I respect all lifestyle choices as long as there is consent between both parties. But it makes me sick. It makes me want to vomit. I just don’t understand it. It’s like I’m in culture shock. I just want someone to talk to about this. I want another opinion. I’ve done some research throughout the dom/sub community. The angry feminist inside me is disgusted with men and their desires that I have a suspicion are a result of ultimately the patriarchy and the subordination and objectification of women. But I know that sadism is also more common than one night think.

Update: I WENT FOR IT DESPITE MY FEARS AND GODDAMN THAT DICK WAS FIRE AND I GOT SLAPPED IN THE FACE AND TIED UP AND I CAME SO GOOD