This is the third time I’ve miscarried. The first time, we were only 2 weeks. I knew, he knew, but it was too soon to confirm with a doctors visit. And then it was over. I was devastated. The doctor called it a chemical pregnancy and told me the baby wouldn’t have survived, it just wasn’t possible. She said it was better that it happened early and that my body would naturally go through a period.

What I learned a year later was that I had a second miscarriage, characterized by strange period symptoms like vomiting (I never puke on my period. Its a point of pride) back pain and huge clots. I began to learn what to look for. I think because of not knowing at the time what I was experiencing, it was easier to move on from the second miscarriage. It just changed the name of “that strange period in the spring” to “that time I miscarried without knowing”.

Well.. this morning I miscarried again. I didn’t bleed much last night, just spotting mostly, with clots. But the pain.. my gosh the pain. My husband was so concerned, it would’ve been very touching if I had been able to appreciate it at the time. When I puked I had my suspicions but I thought “maybe I just ate too fast”. My biggest fears were confirmed this morning, when I saw a single clot half the size of a golf ball. In addition to the clotting yesterday amidst all the spotting, I knew instantly.

My husband and I are not trying but we aren’t use birth control either. We’re just leaving it up to God. I guess.. we’re just not ready yet.