My 1st pregnancy in 8 years

I just experience my first miscarriage my surgery was just yesterday I’m so hurt this my 1st pregnancy in 8 years I been patiently waiting to be a mom to experience what it feels like to be pregnant I was so excited but wen my first appt came I got the devastating news that baby is not growing I should of been 9wks and 1 day but my baby only measured out to be 5 weeks and half I got a second opinion and they couldn’t found a heartbeat and my hcg levels was dropping so that really confirmed it. The pain from surgery is no joke it hurts like hell. It something I could never prepare myself for but I knew I had to get it over with soon. I feel so much anger I’m hurt I don’t even know how to deal with this. I wanted my baby so bad and the messed up part about was I found out Xmas that we were expecting. I can’t deal with hugs right now because it makes me break down and I just wanna be strong but is so hard and I’m so mad. I’m having flashbacks from the surgery as well. 😭😢😭😢😭🤣😭🤣