So I was discharged from the military about 7 years ago with major depression with psychotic features, tinnitus, anxiety, insomnia, and PTSD. I’ve had some periods of time that I was compliant with treatment and medication, but I’ve definitely been without meds for most of the time. They have tried putting me in these wack ass trauma groups to talk about it and shit and I get sooooo tired of them, I usually just stop going. I want to get better but I don’t want to talk about the trauma. And I also can’t remember some of the trauma that has happened. I have tried exposure therapy multiple times and I always stop showing up to my appts because it causes triggers and a lot of flashbacks and night terrors.

So basically, I have been googling everything I can about major depression with psychotic features and trying to learn as much as I can. I have been experiencing some things that I really think I should get help for, but I completely fear that they will force me to go inpatient. How do I let my therapist know that I’m hearing voices, feeling hopeless, think about death, think people are watching me, and think I can predict things that will happen, without her thinking I’m suicidal and just send me to inpatient treatment?

I didn’t realize how out of touch I am until I started putting all these things next to each other. Please do not judge me, it has already been a long ass road to get where I am now.