I don’t expect responses. It’s just nice to be able to share this finally. After all these years. I mean I’m not ready to discuss it with people I know but u know might as well anonymously write...

I’m 18, almost 19 and feel like I attract sexual assault. I feel dirty like I give off a vibe.

When I was 8 my gay uncles boyfriend took me into his bedroom to ‘play.’ I was given a pretend fruit machine toy. Jusy lying on his bed.

My mum had gone outside with my uncle to pop to the shop. For hardly anytime at all. A friend was round and she was sat in the living room. He took the toy off me and threw it on the side. He then got close to me. It’s all a blur. But I know he penetrated me. With his hands and objects I don’t want to be specific about. Instantly I suppressed this but it came back up a year later. My anxiety was severe as was my fear of men.

At 10 my other uncle (not by blood. My mums partners brother) came in and watched me sleep. I told my mum and she put a lock on the door. One day it wasn’t locked. He came in and sat on my bed and started to feel me. Rubbing me inappropriately and that was it. That same uncle now flirts with me relentlessly and cuddles me and tries to make me sit on his lap at family events. ‘Accidentally’ misses my cheeks and kisses my lips. He talks about sex with me and what me and my boyfriend do. It’s so weird. He’s 27.

At 12 a man from a homeless shelter is introduced to my church. He becomes my stalker. He finds out where I lives. He locked me in a prayer room and grabs my boobs. I run out. I tell the leader at church. His words back to me are ‘if you were sitting in the meeting this wouldn’t have happened’.

At 15 my first boyfriend asks if we can have sex, I say no. He pins me down. His legs on my arms. I cry and beg him to stop. He doesn’t. My virginity is lost.

At 18 a man in a club goes too far. Obviously in clubs u get touched but this wasn’t the same. He tries to finger me in the corner I start Hitting him. A bouncer kicks him out. I leave a while later. He waited for me. He tries shoving me into a taxi. Grabbing me telling me I’m going back to his. Some other lads I met fight him and get me away.

I realise none of these are severe and that bad but i really Just need to rant about it. I have really bad nightmares about these things, more so the earlier memories. People say I’m a ‘pussy’ for being scared of men. I always have a condom on me in case I get raped (don’t tell me that logic is flawed because I already know) but it’s just weird isn’t it.

I think everyone who’s gone through this whether its small or big is very strong. If u read it, congrats for sticking through this boring rant aha x