Hi.

So if your reading this.. you better consider yourself lucky. I’ve never said any of this out loud. And i don’t plan on doing so anytime soon. So if your reading this.. Im sorry. Im sorry if this entire thing seems stupid and hypocritical. Im sorry if i seem like an attention seeking, annoying little girl. Im sorry. If your reading this.. Im sorry for what you are about to take in. Im letting you know my thoughts. Im letting you in on my deepest feelings. Im letting it out before it eats me alive.

It? What is it? Well me of course. But also not me. Its a different me. A rude me. A hateful me. A mean me. It is me. But just a little different. It looks like me. Hell it even sounds like me but. But its not me.

It makes me sad. Not depressed. I would never let me tell myself Im depressed. If i do then Im letting myself know Im weak. Its letting myself think that Im trying to “fit in”. Because apparently being depressed is all the rave now. Everyone has depression and anxiety.

It scares me. I want it to leave me alone but i know that will never happen. If i let someone know it scares me, they’ll tell me “same” or “mood”. Because thats what us teens do now. Right? We are all.. same.

It made me hurt myself. I tried to cut my wrist, like everyone else. But i couldn’t, it said to do something else. What it made me do is scratch myself. I would scratch parts of my body until i bled. And then when someone asked, it would be believable that my cat did it. Because they already look like scratches. It still makes me do it.. im sorry.

It made me hurt my friends emotionally. Ive ignored, teased, cursed at, hated on and left friends. Because it made me. It makes me think what it wants me to. It makes me believe everyone hates me. I know thats not true. But thats what it believes.

It also made me hurt my friends physically. I don’t just hurt myself. It makes me want to hurt everyone. If they say something or even if they don’t. It will make me hit them. It will make me cause them pain and sometimes even make them cry. It also made me make them bleed. Im sorry friends. You don’t deserve that.

It cause people to leave me. It have cause many troubles but i think the worse is it making me leave people or doing something stupid to cause them to leave me. I don’t want them to. I don’t want anyone to go. Please don’t leave.. it made me do it.

It made me think horrible things. It made me believe thoughts. Thinking is just your mind. Its just in your head right? No. Its in It’s head too. It keeps me thinking bad things. About myself and others. It likes me to think those things.

I cant stop it. It is in control. It keeps me in check in the ways it wants me to be. It makes me do what it wants, say what it wants, and think what it wants. Im sorry if I’ve ever hurt you, made you mad, or scared you in any kind of way. Because it wasnt me. It was me. The other me. The other me called it.

It is a darkness that comes and goes. It will take over then leave and let me have a turn. But i know it’ll come right back. It’ll be in control again. It will make me hurt again. I can’t stop it.

-B