Miscarriage

So I needed to put this somewhere and felt like this would be a good place. When I first started having a period it was awful. I would lay in bed and cry the entire time. Doctors told me at 13 years old that I would never carry to term a child. When I was 14 I got pregnant and I miscarried at 8 weeks(and don’t tell me that it was a blessing in disguise because I would have been more than willing to do what it took to take care of my baby and I’d be fine with having a 7 year old right now). Fast forward a few years and I’m 17 and just finished my junior year of high school. I again found out I was pregnant. I had just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years(yes it was his) and I wasn’t about to tell him anything about me being pregnant(he was mentally and emotionally abusive to me and I wasn’t letting that happen to my child). I hadn’t told my parents yet, but I had gone to planned parenthood for my first appointment. I was 14 weeks pregnant when I started bleeding. I knew what this meant and it was excruciating. I made an appointment at PPH in hopes that I was wrong and when I went in they confirmed there was no heartbeat. I was devastated again. Yes I was young, but that was still my baby. Both of my babies were gone. Everybody has always told me “well it’s better because you were so young” or “god has a plan for you” and I just want to say fuck you to everybody who has ever even thought of saying that to a woman who lost a child. That is not reassuring and I have my own war with god and as to why I have lost my faith over the years. At this point I sat down and had a conversation with my mom about what had been going on and what was happening now. She reassured me that it wasn’t my fault(even though I still feel like it was my fault. She also told me about how she and my dad had tried to have a second baby and she had a miscarriage before she had my sister. A few weeks later I started talking to a guy in my class and we soon became serious. Two years later we decided we wanted to try for a baby. We were getting married and wanted a family. I finally told him about this issues I’ve always had and what the doctors told me when I was young. We tried anyways and about a month and half after we got married we found out that we were gonna be parents. We were scared. I was scared. But we took it cautiously. February of 2018 I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl at 39w4d. We decided that we wanted to expand our family quickly so I stayed off of birth control and we don’t use condoms. December of 2018 came around and my period was late. I got a positive pregnancy test but something just didn’t feel right. Over the next couple weeks I took a few more tests and each got even more faint, but still positive. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t tell anybody about my positive tests and then it happened. Right before Christmas I started cramping badly and bleeding profusely. It had happened before and it was happening now. I again went to PPH and confirmed what was happening. I was 10 weeks and it was over. I finally told my husband and two of my best friends and that’s still all that I’ve told until this post. I was devastated and my poor husband didn’t know what to do or say. It makes me so angry to see people get pregnant so quickly and easily and I am happy for them but I’m just so angry. Why not me? Yes I love my baby girl to pieces and I’m so blessed to have her I know, but I’ve always wanted a huge family. I think the worst thing for me is those who complain about being pregnant too and complain about being sick and tired. It’s a wonderful thing and there are plenty of women who would do ANYTHING to be sick and tired and exhausted because they’re pregnant. I’m sorry this turned into a really long post, but I needed to put that out there and please don’t think I’m a bad person.