I’ve been TTC for almost 3 years and it’s stressful, a huge heartache.. BUT, my fiancé and I got into an argument last night over all type of things all because I ASKED him if he was coming with me to eat gumbo at my cousins house and he bluntly said, “I can’t save money when you’re around....” that right there, fucking hurt.

Then he continued to BLAME ME because his truck note is 3 months behind, which in fact is not my damn fault. He lost his job and I’m the one who got him a job with my cousin and he rudely said, “yeah exactly, you got me the job. Which is why I’m behind. I wasn’t being paid enough”. So my tempered self became red in the face and that’s when I blew up, telling him he’s ungrateful that I even did that and it wasn’t me signing his checks.

My petty ass just had to tell him that I’m 7 days late (8 days today). He thought I was going to be happy about it and he said “and? So?”... THAT’S when I bluntly said, “I will be completely fucked if I’m pregnant because I was silly to think that we could do this. When we don’t even have a house together, we are only engaged and I feel like we will never get married because of everything, and I can’t raise a child making what I make at my job.”

I could hear the hurt in his voice, but that’s exactly how I feel right now. I’m so beyond hurt. I even told him, “you don’t have to worry about getting me anything for Valentine’s Day, I’d hate for you to spend any money on me”. He proceeded to say, “I knew you’d say that”. Of course, I did say that because that’s how I fucking feel. If I’m such a damn problem, then WHY try for a child. WHY even be in this relationship?!

Lately, I’ve been staying at my cousins house for work and he TOLD ME TO GO STAY THERE because it saves a lot of gas. Yesterday morning I called him while he was driving to work and he yelled at me because I haven’t been spending time with him, obviously because I stay at my cousins. So myself, said “I’ll be there tonight”. What happens when I got here? He’s asleep, when I woke him up that’s when all the fighting started. I wish I would’ve just stayed at my cousins or went home. I wish I would’ve never asked him if he was coming with me to my cousins.

Today, I just want to leave. I will not be spending the night at his house tonight and I don’t care if he gets mad.