Numb..

My thoughts in the last couple of days go like this:

- oh, my period is supposed to come today.

- nice! But, I’ve been late before, we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

- (no period) don’t get your hopes up Allie.

- scrolled back on past periods saw that they never went over 24 days in between.. counting ok tomorrow is the day.. if I have no period by tomorrow THEN I can get excited. Not now. Don’t have hope.. it’ll kill you if you do. Just have a normal day!

- nighttime - dreams about having a period and being devastated.. why?! Am I that obsessed, that I have to have dreams about it?!

- wake up.. period didn’t come through the night.. tiny celebration.. this is getting real.

- lay in bed thinking about where we could put a nursery or baby bed.

-get up to use the restroom- faint red discharge on the tissue when I wipe.

- instant breakdown. Sobbing.

- feeling hate that I let myself hope even just a little. Feeling hate that my body didn’t do what it’s supposed to again this month.

- my daughter comes in. she’s 7. She lays on me and and hugs me and holds me, says good morning and kisses my cheek.

- we’ve been trying to conceive for 6 years, now. - I cling to her like she’s still my baby, silently crying while she’s in my arms

- deep down I know she’ll just keep growing and want less and less to do with her mom. She’s already left me to get on her iPad.

- I’m not ready to be done with having kids. My husband is.. & I’m not allowed to talk to him about fertility or my feelings on it anymore. (It makes him feel guilty & he doesn’t think he has a reason to be.)

- I need a miracle. You would think that after 6 years of month after month disappointments that it would get easier. But it just gets harder. I see myself aging. I see my kids aging. I see parts of my life changing and I feel like I’m missing my window of opportunity.

- if you’re still reading.. thank you for listening - I don’t have anyone I can talk to about all these BIG feelings that keep me glued to my bed, not ever wanting to get up and face the day.