Feeling guilty for wanting a baby so bad.

Brigette

So.. Hi! My name is Brigette... Im new to this app, but wanted to share my morning with you all.

Im 25 years old. My husband is 35 years old. We have a 5 year old daughter who has multiple special needs. I have never wanted another baby more than anything else in my life... But as of lately, my daughters behavioral issues have caused major stress in both of our lives. My daughter is blind and has low functioning autism.. Aubree never sleeps despite the 3 sleep medications she takes... And oh yeah by the picture you can see Ik holding my daughter, which I've been doing since 1AM, my puppy is running around my house while stopping to stare hard at me, I'm using a laser pointer to "play" with her, & I have an ice pack on my ankle... Because I sprained it this weekend. I had 2 glasses of wine, & went to take the dog outside. Espy, my dog is very hyper and strong. She pulled me really quickly and I slipped on a patch of black ice. Espy, who is 8 months old with as much energy that I pray for daily, is staring at me begging me to play with her or go outside.. I cant though because Aubree is having a hard day...& I seriously am just feeling depressed and down. My husband told me this morning he wants to stop trying for a baby right now until we can get Aubrees sleep "under control" but we havent been able to get it under control for years. She wakes up every AM around 1-3 AM... So we are either crazy, brave or down right stupid to even want to have another baby when we don't sleep as it is, and Aubree makes me hold her on the couch every morning because she has some separation anxiety or something. When she wakes up she spends probably an hour punching herself in the face, punching me in the face, and banging her head against whatever surface or body she can. I have to physically restrain her, & it's not as easy as it sounds. So I dont know how I'm going to feed a newborn and hold Aubree at 2 AM until 8 AM when she goes to school 4 days a week. I dont know if its selfish of me to pray for a baby so bad. Is it selfish to bring a beautiful little blessing into the world when we struggle on a daily basis? And I'm feeling a certain way towards my husband. I get where he's coming from... But honestly he's for sure not getting younger... I know he works, but I work from home, stay up every night/morning with Aubree... & if he offered to help me more, I wouldnt walk around like a zombie... Well... Limping around. 😕 & I know we both want a baby so bad. You can judge me for what I'm about to say, but I hope you dont. We just want & deserve a "normal" baby experience. A baby that stares at everything with curiosity, a baby that doesnt need 7 medications a day, a baby that doesnt need to be hospitalized for seizures, a baby that TALKS, a baby that has sleepovers and plays on the jungle gym, a baby that doesnt punch you in the face when experiencing a melt down, & a flood of overwhelming emotions... Just a "normal " experience. I know. No kid is "normal" every kid is beautiful, unique & a blessing. But I hope you understand what I'm saying. I love Aubree more than words can explain. But I do crave a child I can talk to, a child who runs around the house causing mayhem.

I think it's selfish of me to want a baby do bad.. & it's making me feel horribly guilty. Is something wrong with me??