I had an abortion January 23. I was almost ten weeks. My fiancé and I just couldn’t afford to keep it and we can barely afford to take care of ourselves right now. We were both let go from our jobs due to budget cutbacks. This time last year we had to move in with my parents just so we could get our heads above water. We’ve been together for 6 years and have always dreamed of having kids. The timing was just horrible. We were so heartbroken when we made the decision and we still hesitated when the nurse gave me to pill to take. My parents still don’t know I was pregnant. We got a hotel for a few nights so we could go through the process without having everyone asking questions. I delayed taking the second set of pills as long as I could the next day. But I finally did. A couple of hours later the cramps started. It was truly the worst physical pain I have EVER felt. I was allergic to the pain killers they normally prescribe so they just gave me a number to call if it got really bad. I was screaming into a pillow for at least 45 minutes. Then I had my fiancé run me a bath and the cramps got a little easier to handle. I passed a really big clot in the bathtub and thought I was done. The cramps got so much lighter after that. I felt I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I saw it so he told me to not break eye contact with him and he helped me out and into bed and then he cleaned the tub. Five hours later when he was asleep I felt I had to go to the bathroom so I get up and go in there and sit for a few minutes. I get incredibly painful cramps for a minute and then I went sort of numb. I felt two really big clots come out and I immediately started throwing up. I turned around and got ready to throw up in the toilet just in case more was coming and that’s when I saw what left me. What was no doubt the placenta. And our perfect little one. Not a drop of blood on it. I could see it’s eyes. It’s heart. And all ten of its fingers and all ten of its toes. I think I went into shock and sat against the wall for what felt like an hour until Andy woke up and came to check on me. I still cry every night. I feel so empty. So ashamed. We both carry the sonogram with us everywhere. And every time I close my eyes, all I can see is our perfect little one. And I just want to go be with it.