I don’t even know anymore (trigger warning

It’s started in grade five when I had an addiction.. I wanted to be as skinny as I could because I thought that was the perfect body it got worse until grade seven where my BMI was at send to hospital my doctor wanted to take me out of my favourite sport (basketball) so I started to gain a tiny bit of weight but I was still underweight my Mum started taking me to a therapist which helped sometimes. Later that year I was in a car accident because the driver passed out, that’s the night that I will never forget because I was awake for the whole thing (I won’t give details but I was fine) the driver nearly died but luckily they lived. After that night my life changed how I acted. Going into year 8 was a struggle I wanted to end it all there was no point, but I thought I could prove everyone wrong I’m not weak so I started to train and work on my fitness I made it into the basketball team that everyone didn’t think I was gonna make.. I started coming first in running (I’m not trying to brag it’s just my story) but I still feel like I have no emotion but sadness and when I’m around others I put my fake smile on to make them happy.. the only reason I’m still here is because I want to keep my friends happy and make sure there okay, once I know they will be okay.. I can leave this world forever