Still not managing months later


*possible trigger warning?*

I miscarried early December at 3 months pregnant. My belly had just started to grow leaving some small stretch marks on the side.

Every single time I see these I just stand there for up to hours just staring at it.

I’ve just finished my first period since miscarrying and it was obviously hard. But after going to the toilet and seeing a small amount of blood on the paper (which is how I noticed I was miscarrying in December). I just sat there crying.

I’m at a total loss for actions, motivation and words. Every single week is getting harder. I don’t usually cry but I spent hours in my mother’s arms just crying yesterday but not able to tell her why.

I haven’t talked to anyone about it, I can’t. I can’t talk about it without getting overwhelmed. My GP recommended I go see my old psychologist, but I don’t have enough money anymore. Lately I’ve had no money, not enough to keep petrol in my car. Not enough to buy food or medication. I haven’t been getting hours for work (I’m employed as a casual). My friend owes me money but says she’s “in a bad place and can’t pay back.” Last fortnight I got paid $56 from my job.

I don’t know if I can just keep going like this. I was meant to start studying this year but put off university because I was pregnant. After enrolments is when I miscarried and I’m left with nothing. No university is willing to take me for next year either.

I can’t keep going but I can’t just stop everything because it is selfish to my family and partner.

Jesus Christ, I don’t even know what to do anymore.