Yesterday was really bad day for me. I literally cried majority of that day. What kicked it of was I went to go get another copy of my sons death certificate. The lady on the other side of the window read my application then asked me was he stillborn?! So he wasn’t breathing?? &just asked repeatedly. I know it isn’t her fault but I just started crying. I left &hopped in the car &literally screamed &cried. I texted my bf while I was in the car panicking to let him know that I was just so messed up about it. He says to me “it’s gonna be okay he’s in a better place now”. I can’t really tell him much Bc he’s so dry when it comes to anything that bothers me. Now before I go on I will say that I think about suicide constantly even as a child I’ve tried to commit suicide. But once I noticed I didn’t want to die I just wanted to hurt I began to cut myself pretty badly. I’ve gotten over that but when it comes to my son I simply can not stop the thoughts. I can’t stop crying! It REALLY puts me in a bad place. So I sat home &wait for my bf to return from work. He had asked if I was okay I told him yes which was a lie &he knew. He took forever &I grew more & more anxious to harm myself so I jumped up to head to the bar which was a horrible idea. He gets home to see I’m not here &doesn’t text me or anything he waits until he’s where he wants to be to text me. Long story short after the bar we get into an argument about what happened today. All I kept telling him was I needed him literally for just a little bit that’s all that matters. But he came home w/o even thinking where could she be? I knew she had a messed up day today. None of that mattered. He still knew. We argued &I told him he’d never feel like I felt. He has two of his own. I lost my one &only. He looked at me &said “no I can’t grieve like you Bc I’ve accepted that he’s gone”. That.....just reassured me that he didn’t feel the same as me. I’m the only one that hurts about this STILL I just can’t let go. But he has. So am I right to feel some type of way about him feeling that way? Am I wrong for being upset Bc he wasn’t there for me? It sucks...to always be alone in situations like this. I just feel like now I shouldn’t make my problems his. I should go through this on my own...even though it’s hard.