So basically, I have had my first boyfriend for about two weeks now. I have been told by a friend (before we were dating and stuff) (I’ll talk about her later) that he wanted to hold hands with me. God, I would love to hold hands with him and hug him and just literally be next to him. But there is a problem. I am afraid of intimacy, so I always freak out when ever he gets even remotely near me. It’s gotten better though, but I still am afraid of even brushing shoulders with him, let alone holding hands or hugging him.

Another thing is that I’m really really insecure about my looks, my body, my personality, everything. This leads to me thinking I don’t deserve a guy like him, and that he deserves someone better, someone who can actually sit next to him and not get all nervous. It sucks.

Remember that friend that told me he wanted to hold hands with me? Let’s call her “C” (funny story, a few days before my crush and i became bf and gf, she told me that she liked him a bit so hahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahh). C is a happy and outgoing girl, and is way more attractive than me. She has this pretty blonde hair and blue eyes without bags under them, while my hair is constantly frizzy and I have bags under my eyes. She has this cute, anime girl like personality while I have this pessimistic and depressed attitude. What guy wouldn’t fall for her? Anyway, my friends and I were all invited to a friends house, C and my BF included. He is still pretty shy around me, so he didn’t sit next to me right away. He was sitting on the far end of a couch, and C was sitting on a chair on the same end. I was drawing when I looked up and saw C and my BF putting their heads together (side by side) to see something on her phone, and later I saw C laying her head the arm rest right next to my BF, making it so that she was almost laying on his arm.

then i realized it. they would make such a better and happier couple than my bf and i.

sorry this was so long, i just needed an outlet to get this out. i know he can hang out with others and stuff and I don’t want to seem controlling or anything, it’s just been on my mind and I just had to let it out. sorry