I'm.. I honestly don't even know how I'm feeling. Numb. Confused. Unsure. Heartbroken. Betrayed.

My boyfriend messages my ex. Saying "You were right" in reference to my ex telling him I'm basically a crazy bitch.

My ex is a seriously abusive alcoholic that tried killing me. Whom I'm fighting in court for custody of my son.

I'm a crazy bitch because of the severe PTSD I was left with after the abusive 3 year marriage ended with me finally making him leave.

My BF I've been friends with for almost 10 years. Coming up on our 1 year anniversary. He doesn't get it. The PTSD. Why sometimes I lose it. Why I stay depressed. Why it's so hard for me to just "get over it since I don't live there any more".

We had a fight last weekend. He left. Ignored me and wasn't going to talk to me. Apparently we were split up when he told me he just wanted some space (no biggie he went to his sisters house).

I saw that he had searched my ex on FB. I asked him why. He said just to check out his profile. I asked him if he messaged him. He said no.

Today a friend of mine tells me she ran into my ex who was running his mouth about my Bf messaging him.

So I asked my Bf specifically did you say this and do not lie to me again. And ot was while we were "split up" but I wasn't aware we were split up. But regardless that must validate it right?

Well the truth came out.

Now he doesn't seem to get why the hell I'm so upset.

1. You contacted the asshole who beat the shit out of me, raped me, and almost killed me multiple times.

2. You told him he was right. Since I have PTSD because of what he did to me. That makes me feel great..

3. You lied to me. Twice. I asked why you searched him. You said just to look at his account. Lie. I asked if you messaged him. You said no. Lie.

When my Bf left... I begged him to come back. I promised I would try harder to control myseld when my PTSD bothered me and I got emotional. I have busted my ass all week keeping the bouse cleaned and spotless. Doing all the laundry. Making sure everything is perfect. For him. Because he wanted more from me. So I'm giving all I can. I'm even going to try and get on medications for the Anxiety/depression and mood stabilizers. And adderral again for my ADHD. So I can be better. And do better. I bite my tounge. I try to pour my heart out to him to let him know I care. That I love him. But he doesn't seem to know how to reciprocate that.

Or understand why what he did would upset me so much.

*Edit*

It kills me so much because I love him. He is amazing with my son. And when we aren't fighting we're amazing.. We have history back to being 14 years old. I love him. I always have.

It's been a lot of fighting lately.. My PTSD is bad. I lose it Bad. Like holes in the wall bad. I don't mean to. It usually happens when I feel overwhelmed and upset. I have so much pain locked up inside of me that I guess sometimes it comes out in ways that is not ideal. But I do my best. My Bf is the one who helped me get away from my ex. I don't work. He has supported me and my son. My son calls him Daddy. My family loves him. His family don't ever stop about us getting married. His dad is my sons "pop". After 10 years of knowing this man I thought he would understand more... That this isnt 'me'. This is what I'm trying my hardest to cope with. To heal from. I get I'm a lot... But I'm faithful. I don't lie. And I love him unconditionally. He's been faithful. And until now... Has never done something like this....

I'm so torn. He apologized. He wants to get closer to me. Keeps trying to hold me. Because I can't stop breaking down and crying... But I'm so hurt.. So confused... So heartbroken I don't want to be touched... He asked me if I wanted him to leave. I told him no. I just want to be left alone. I never expected this kind of betrayal... This is just as bad as if he had cheated on me..

I'm so hurt and lost and confused...

I just... I don't know..