I have been having relations with my ex husband and I know logically it’s wrong but I miss him so much. I know this sounds stupid but he was/is to a degree my best friend. I’ve always watched over him and wanted to take care of him. He is the daddy to our three children and the only one who ever made me feel special in the bedroom.

Due largely to his choices of wanting and having sex with other women and making it clear he didn’t want to be married to me or didn’t initially want our son after two daughters I left with our kids last year.

I feel that I have simply made myself into a whore to be close to him and still hurt by the fact that he still can’t admit to all he has done. I also have had the overwhelming sense of needing to be beaten/whipped for each time I have had sex with him. As if it will somehow help to drive out the feelings I have for him still as well as punishment for sinning and being weak to my body.

It’s only happened a handful of times but I also can’t see myself ever having a relationship again that could develop to marriage and a proper relations.

I need help guidance. I can’t talk to my church family as they are far too close to what has happened between us in the past.