Please PLEASE no mean comments. I need real advice and i am besides myself just writing this out. If you have nothing nice to say please don't comment at all, I have absolutely no one to open up to and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Please don't be mean PLEASE.

I know i have an issue i just don't know how bad it is. Ever since 7th grade i was obsessed with pregnancy. I would push my stomach out and pretend i had a baby in it. I would read articles about pregnancy. I would fully act like i was pregnant. 7th grade i had my first thought "I want a baby now"

10th grade i started stuffing my shirts to make it look like i had a stomach, i start a rumor about myself that i was pregnant. I told my best friend at the time i was pregnant and picked out a name.

12th i started testing for pregnancy every week before my period. I would convince myself i was pregnant (mind you i never had sex) even when i KNEW i wasn't, and then when the test would come back i would get so mad and angry i was punch things and be mad for weeks.

Now i track my cycle every single day, i take ovulation test everyday, i spend $60 a month on pregnancy tests even though I KNOW I'm not pregnant. When my tests come back negative i edit the picture for hours trying to make it look positive, then when my period comes I'm fucking livid. Every month before my period i convince myself I'm pregnancy and "act" pregnant for a week, I'll download <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">pregnancy apps</a>, look at baby stuff online. I spend at least 5 hours a day looking at baby and pregnancy related articles and videos. I've watched hundreds of birthing videos, I've chosen how i want to deliver. When i see other pregnant women i get so emotional and just cry all day. I Photoshop pictures of myself so i look pregnant.

Let it make it clear that i don't show anyone this side of me. No one in the world knows how bad i struggle with this.

Is this more than normal behavior and why am i like this? It started when i got my first period ever i was obessed with carrying a child. I jumped around houses a lot when i was younger and lived with different family members my whole life.

UPDATE.

Thank you for the comments, i appreciate them all. Thank you for being such understanding and kind women, i feel so emotionally destroyed because i recognize i have a problem and after reading some comments i think it might have to do with the way i was raised. I never had a whole loving home, i always got tossed around houses and so many people, including my mom, have walked out on my life at a young age (15) and i was hoping around houses before and after that. I think my mind wanted to create what i didn't have... meaning a loving caring home with a mother who loved and charish their child. I think those feelings manifested into an obsession because i craved to be loved by someone, ANYONE. I was so natural with kids from a young age, and i think that part of me grew out of control.

I don't just want a baby, i want a family. I cry every night because i want a husband who loves me and wants a family with me. Im 23 and probably easily could've had a child already if i really wanted, but it's more than wanting a baby, it's wanting a loving, warm home.

Thank you again for the comments, definitely helped me see outside the box.