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Well if you ask him and you’re already planning to.. he says he doesn’t want you to and you do anyways.. wouldn’t that be showing him that his opinion doesn’t matter? I don’t think you should put that pressure on him..
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My parents are also divorced. It doesn't matter if he's mature. You don't involve children in adult issues. Period. If you're separating then be the parent and sit down and talk to him about it. If it's just an idea floating around, then there's absolutely no reason to mention it. But don't treat your 8-year-old like he's an adult. He's not. Be the parent in this scenario.
Li
It’s not an idea floating around. All arrangements are being made. I think it’s fair for him to know than it be a “ look this is what is going to happen point blank period type of thing. Thanks for your thought though
I would sit down and let him know above all that both of you love him very much and will always be there for him. Explain what may happen ( if one is moving out what will his new schedule be like etc ) and ask how he feels and let him know that whatever he feels that it's ok to come to either of you and talk about it at any time. Make sure it's all about his feelings and try not to involve him in any adult issues. Reassure him and no matter how you may feel towards each other always show that you are a united front. I wish my ex husband had done this with me instead of taking off with my girls which has now turned into a nasty custody battle because he moved from Florida to Indianapolis with them which is legal and they are a mess.
Li
Thank you so much. That is my plan but as we know, we can only control what we do. I hope he doesn’t just ditch the kids because we separate.... I hope everything gets better for you! Thank you so much for the advice
Unless you are actually letting him choose whether it happens or not, then I think asking him would be putting unnecessary extra stress and confusion on him.Talking to him gently about what's going to happen is appropriate. Answering his questions, and asking how it all makes him feel is appropriate (both right after you tell him and in the days and weeks and months to come). Helping him process those emotions is appropriate. Reminding him you both love him. But asking him how he would feel about it (before you tell him it's happening) gives a false sense of control that could make him feel more responsible for the separation, or could make him feel resentful that he was seemingly offered a choice but his choice wasn't honored.
My parents separated when I was 7, I was also very mature for my age as I helped raise my 5 younger siblings. In my opinion I would just tell him... I remember knowing that it was coming because all my parents did is fight. When they told me I was upset, but I understood it. I think if you just say him down and explained it calmly it would be a lot better than asking him, as that may make him feel it is his decision when in the end it won’t be.
Sa
My parents sat us all down together and told us. Even if the younger ones don’t understand it as well or at all, having the support of siblings has been a blessing my entire life.
Li
Thank you! He’s the oldest of 3. I never want him to feel responsible but I feel that if I don’t tell him, he’ll “shut down” and that’s what I’m trying to avoid
It can’t hurt to ask, unless he somehow gets the impression that if he says he’s opposed to it that y’all will stay together ... like don’t make him think he has a choice or say in the matter, just ask him how it would make him feel.
Je
I suggest telling him what’s going on, explain it is not because of him or any of his actions, but also explain that there is nothing he can do to change the decision mom & dad have made. Ask him his feelings and support him through them but don’t ask in a way that could cloud his mind to believe he can change the situation.
Li
That’s where I’m torn apart. I never want him to feel like it’s “his fault” or that it was “his choice”. We have always had a healthy level and open level of communication but I know that’s his father and even though they aren’t very close at all, we have always lived together and it will affect him
What context is this in? Saying “Mommy and Daddy are not getting along well lately and will be splitting up. We want to know what your feelings are so we can help you understand why this is happening” should definitely be a conversation that is had. Asking them as if waiting for their approval is a bad idea. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to! I teach second grade and know how the filter isn’t quite their yet. You should definitely be open and talk with them about it, though, and it might be best if you and the dad both are there for those conversations.
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