Hi all, I’m 9 days PP and just need to vent I guess- sorry this is kind of long. I will preface this by saying I have had a looong history of anxiety and depression for years and was on Zoloft throughout my pregnancy. I ended up having to have an unexpected c-section at 39 weeks because we found out he was breech at 38 weeks. Then, once he was born, the first night he had a low heart rate and was taken to have an EKG done while I was left in my room without him. It was a bit of a rough start, but all is well now.

My milk came in with abundance while still in the hospital - I had to really ask more than one nurse to show me how to pump because it didn’t seem like they wanted me to. As of right now, I am breastfeeding and pumping so my husband can give him bottles too. That helps, but it’s still a round-the-clock job. I have immense guilt about not wanting to breast feed anymore, but I do think it’s causing me added stress. I haven’t gotten my appetite back nearly at all, and I know therefore I’m not getting the calories I need to be able to breastfeed him to the best of my ability.

The pediatrician isn’t concerned about his weight gain right now, he did lose 4oz from his birth weight and at his follow up yesterday he hadn’t lost or gained.

I also was not anticipating the hormones. I find now I have debilitating anxiety over EVERYTHING, whether it has to do with the baby or just simple tasks that need to be done that aren’t getting done because I’m just so overwhelmed. I do feel like I have been getting “better” but I still have my weepy episodes and have had a few today - mainly over feeling guilt over going to rest while my husband is with the baby, which in turn, makes it so I can’t rest.

The first 4-5 days home I cried nonstop. Over everything. EVERYTHING. Yesterday I made an appointment with my therapist because as I mentioned, I already had anxiety/depression prior to giving birth. They upped my medication which I completely agree with, of course once again feeling guilty that I’m BFing and on medication even though the doctor assured me it’s safe. She also said everything I’m feeling is normal and that’s why they usually wait a few weeks to see if the baby blues dissipates but since I’m predisposed there wasn’t anything wrong with trying to get ahead of the game. There also is a moms group that meets every week through the office which I’m excited to be a part of.

I also felt so guilty because I was able to get out of the house yesterday by myself for an hour or two to go to this appointment and I really liked it. I felt the best I have yesterday and I think it’s because I was able to get out. My son is only a week old 😞 I felt like a terrible mother for leaving him and I don’t want to “burden” my husband - side note, he has NEVER made me feel that way, he is the absolute best partner and he just wants me to feel good and I want to make sure that he doesn’t feel like he’s taking care of two babies here.

I guess I’m just all over the place and feeling crazy, and just looking to see if anyone else had the same feelings. If you read all of this, thank you!