I’m a first time mom and gave birth to our daughter to days before Christmas - thank you, Lord! She is our little miracle baby, as I was told I had little to no chance to conceive. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I was devastated when I thought for a period of time it may not be possible to have my own child. I truly should post our whole story another day.

Fast forward to now, my daughter is 9 weeks old today. She’s the light of my life. I was given 3 months of maternity leave (praise God), and that time would be up right after the St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I was even given the ioption to go down to pt time if needed, which more than likely I will need to do. I am a dental assistant and work for a periodontist Mon - Thurs, full time. Pt time would be 2 days a week, TBD based on what child care arrangement I (possibly) can come up with.

The problem is, our options for childcare are extremely limited. Originally from California, most of my family lives there, with the exception of my mother, who lives in NV, 30 mins from the CA state line. My husband and I currently reside in Texas, his home state, where he has some family.

To summarize a long story, my husband was not raised by his biological parents. His father was angry and abusive and his mother and him split. His mother became lesbian and ran off with some other woman (reappears luffing childhood oh and off, still in his life, but a,ways more like a friend not a mom) and his father disappeared to Alaska, where apparently he has some other family now. So, my husband was living back and forth between his mother’s parents, (his grandma and grandpa), and that grandma’s sister (his great aunt). Eventually, around age 5 or 6 he was legally adopted by his grandparents and permanently moved in with them. He would grow to call them “mom and dad”, and therefore, all other family members would be addressed as if he were their son (so he calls his great aunt his aunt.... his aunt (who is his biological moms sister), his sister... etc). Very confusing to figure out who was who “technically” vs what he grew up knowing them as. He would also meet his brother, whom he didn’t know he had (he had been with the biological mom).

I promise there is a reason for the explanation of the above!!

Currently his dad (grandpa) passed away, so his brother is living with and taking care of their mom (grandma). Their uncle (grandmas son) also lives there. One of his family members, a female cousin (second cousin technically) offered to assist with child care if we needed. Sweet offer, right? Well, I thought perhaps if I just got to know them more I might feel more comfortable with them helping with child care so that I could return to work. Plus, she organized my baby shower thrown by his family, which really touched my heart since my family is so far away.

Here’s the problem: while trying to figure it out and considering his cousins’s offer, I had a nightmare. In my nightmare I was picking up my daughter from someone’s house (a woman with a family who I couldn’t see in the dream) and I was about to pay her. I noticed my daughter on the changing table as if she was about to be changed before I’d rang the doorbell. As I’m paying her, I’m watching home daughter and realize a teenage boy has gone up to her. As I’m wrapping up with the woman, out of the corner of my eye I seen the boy proceed to begin changing my daughter, and ...

I witness him molest my daughter. I FREAK THE F OUT. I start screaming at the woman, why is your son by my daughter and DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?!? She proceeds to DEFEND HIM.

I AM LIVID AND IM ABOUT TO GO TO JAIL, and I wake up,.

It really bothered me, as it would any mother, of course. I told myself it was just a nightmare because of trying to figure out childcare. But it bothers me extra because I was molested as a teenager and I’ll be damned if it happens to my daughter.

It kept nagging at me in the back of my head. So I did some more digging, I chat with his brother, ask some questions about the cousin that is offering the childcare... trying to determine the exact relation. Because my husband confided in me when we were first dating (after I confessed my sexual abuse history) that HE was molested by cousins while staying with his aunt (great aunt) when he was a child... (told you there was a reason for the long family history I explained above!). He actually had suppressed memories of it that did not surface until my confession to him which brought them back.

Long story short, I had already suspected, but now I came to verify that IT IS THE COUSIN THAT DID THAT TO HIM!!! Ladies, I am freaking livid and I don’t know what to do!! OBVIOUSLY I can’t have her watch my child!! Furthermore, I don’t understand why it would even be an OPTION given the history between them! But unfortunately I feel that I was victimized during my experience, and I don’t think his was quite the same... I think it was more shameful because it was possibly enjoyed at that time in life, I don’t blame him, he was a child, I blame the older “cousins” who knew better. Furthermore, I feel it has led to issues that has led to problems we have had in our sex life but putting that all aside... I just want what’s best for my child, so there is absolutely NO WAY that I could be okay with her watching my daughter!!

And no, I haven’t confronted my husband, because I don’t want to start an argument about all the above and I would have to keep it about baby... which I figured I can say “look, I kind of put two and two together and I realized who she is and I am NOT okay with her watching our daughter, so let’s discuss other options”.... and bite my tongue on all the rest I want to say...

Which brings me back to my childcare issue... I don’t want a stranger watching her. I did look into some nanny info, but the cost would basically wipe my income. So what’s the point of going back if we have to pay for child care?

I do have a distant cousin that I will reach out to and at least explore the option... she’s my ONLY family around here, but we were never close. Perhaps this is God telling me to get closer to her? She does happen to be a NICU nurse! So there’s that! But if she can’t watch my daughter... I don’t see how I could go back to work.

What would you ladies do?

I a, willing to work pt time OR be a stay at home mom, I just want what is best for her and for our family. I don’t see it being beneficial to go to work to simply cover childcare cost and that’s it, I’d rather be at home with her.

Do any of you ladies work from home? What do you do?

Those of you that stay home, what does your husband do?

Just needed to vent and praying for a little advice.

Thanks for reading my panicked rant.

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