Fear of having another child

I know its fresh in my mind, but after having a scheduled c-section 6 weeks ago, i’m still absolutely terrified of having any more kids. I also don’t know how i’ll handle having another, especially if its another boy (yeah i know gender disappointment is so awful and i should be happy as long as they’re healthy, but i honestly just have always wanted a girl).

I have severe anxiety, i can’t stand being touched and i had to be heavily drugged because of the panic attack i had as soon as i went numb from the spinal block. I want to cry when i think about being back in the hospital and i hated being pregnant and had an awful time with appointments and having to go to doctors so often. I had xanax prescribed at a pretty high dose to take before appointments. I’m still having small bouts of panic over memories of being in the hospital.

I don’t want my son to be an only child, i feel like siblings are extremely helpful during development and later in life. I’ve been in the early childhood field for almost 6 years, and it just seems to help.

I don’t know how to block out the fear and the anxiety surrounding going through that again, but i don’t want more than a 5 year gap between my kids. I’m also nervous i’ll have another boy and have to accept that i may never have a daughter.

Does anyone have any experience with this feeling? Any ideas on how to cope?