Went for my 8 week ultrasound today. I never made it this far in 2.5 years. I laid there over the moon, with my two little ones and my fiancé just BUBBLING over with excitement. The ultrasound tech was laughing and joking and so were we. My numbers were great! No spotting this time. No cramping. Just pregnant bliss. Then she got quiet. Then we all got quiet. She looked for a second, and said “ do you still want them in the room” my heart dropped. I had my fiancé take them out, which he graciously did without complaint, and we switched to a transvag ultrasound. There was my beautiful big sack. But where was my jellybean? My baby shark? Empty. Nothing. Measuring 5+5 it was empty as my was heart in my feet. HOW???! I’m including a picture of this mornings test. HOW?? I still feel it! I feel everything. Every craving, every tear at random commercial with a baby, all the bloat and exhaustion and most of all like my baby is THERE. After, I saw the Dr. he’s wonderful and has been my ob for 9 years. He told me to stop trying. I’m 37 and my fiancé (who I have never had a child with but now 3 Mc) has a genetic mutation of the RB1 gene. He was born with bilateral retinal blastoma. Cancer. Ocular cancer. So between my age and his genes I was told to give up hope. Maybe not marry him if I really wanted another baby. Please ladies remember, this is coming from a very warm kind caring man who just doesn’t want either one of us hurt anymore so please don’t think it was meant to be cold or hurtful. With that being said I told him...” I would never trade my fiancé for a baby I’ve never met. Or the possibility of a baby I may never have anyway.” He hugged me and that’s that. We are done trying. My fiancé is crushed, as am I but even though I won’t hold his baby in my arms this coming October I just wanted to say Love did, after everything, conquer all. That’s all that matters. For everyone left here, please give your little pumpkins a kiss for me ( not on the lips!) and remember God is good, and his will be done. Signing off. 💗💗💗💗💗