A long rant from a girl who really needs advice & support. (My gorgeous daughter)

So, I’m terrified. I first got pregnant in 2017 with my baby girl. I found out the day before my 18th birthday, the summer before my senior year. I lived with my grandma at the time. I knew she was going to be insanely mad & disappointed- I wasn’t wrong. After the first few days wore off, she was so supportive throughout the whole pregnancy. I ended up pregnant while taking the pill. The baby daddy was in & out during my pregnancy & finally, we were together from December 2017 until August 2018 (our longest stretch). We had only been together for roughly 2 months before I got pregnant & 3 months before I found out. I was devastated, confused, upset, etc. Eventually, I got really excited about having my little girl. I ended up having her March 2018. Baby daddy is now in the Navy, but never asks about her. We aren’t together, we barely even talk. He acts like he wants nothing to do with his daughter. Fast forward to November, I ended up starting to date a guy I had been friends with for nearly 3 1/2 years. I think the reason I jumped into another relationship so soon was because BD left in June & right before I had found out he had been cheating on me the whole time I was pregnant + while I was in the hospital for ten days with our daughter. So, I kind of just decided the relationship was dead until I had the nerve to break it off.

Fast forward to now, and here I am, just found out I was pregnant 2 days ago. I haven’t stopped crying. I wasn’t ready for this. BD says he is happy, but scared. However, he has so many issues he needs to resolve before this child is here. That’s only 8 months away. He is a drinker, quite a bit, actually. We’ve had multiple fights over it. He’s also into marijuana. He’s not allowed to have it in the house AT ALL, EVER. I used to smoke a lot before I got pregnant with my first, but haven’t since 2017. I just realized I had priorities & didnt want to risk losing my daughter or anything close to that. BD also has slight anger issues. I feel like I have to walk around egg shells around him, which I have told him & he says “that’s not true”. He won’t go to therapy, even though he has told me about all of his childhood abuse & the demons he’s still facing. He’d rather turn to drugs. He says that he is “mean” or “short fused” because he’s “withdrawing” from the drugs & alcohol he was on in November. He had been a heavy pill user up until November & days he stopped because he knew I would never even think about a relationship with him while he was using (he was right). Also, he doesn’t have a job or a vehicle. His license is also suspended for driving without a license in the past. I’ve been thinking about leaving him for awhile now. I even told myself (I had a feeling) that if I wasn’t pregnant I would leave him. I took & test Sunday & it was positive.

Well, this past week or so, I’ll admit, I have been a bitch. Every time he says something, I just feel so incredibly annoyed. I’m snapping at everything he says. I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want him to touch me. All I want from him is to clean my house while I’m working. I’m working 2 part time jobs & going to school full time, while also trying to be the best mom I can be to my daughter. Last night we got into it because he was being so incredibly rude to me. I told him he needed to go say the night somewhere else & I wanted him to be gone before I got home. When I got home, he was gone & I felt so relieved. I was so happy to just come home & day & go straight to bed. All throughout the night he was messaging me “I love you” etc. I responded a few times when I woke up throughout the night.

This morning, again, back to being an asshole. I told him he could come home if he found a ride home (only 15 minutes away), was nicer & steppes up around the house. He said “okay”. Still, he’s blaming me for being rude & saying is attitude was because of mine. I’m thinking this is the last chance I give him & hopefully this baby will wake his ass up. I’m so tired of living like this & just want some peace.

I’m terrified to do this on my own, 2 under 2, by myself at 19. I’m terrified to tell my grandma. I don’t know how or when I can/should tell her. I live on my own now, so it’s not like I have to tell her ASAP. However, I feel guilty that she doesn’t know. She’s the main person I go to when I’m lost & confused. She always gives me straight up advice. I’m not sure how she will react. I know she will be disappointed & probably tell me how I’ve ruined my life. I know she will probably get over it, but what if she doesn’t? She’s my main support person & helps me out in SO many ways. I don’t know how I will do life without her.

I’m also feeling guilty for my daughter. She is my best friend. I feel like I haven’t given her enough time or attention yet. I wanted to wait a few more years before she had a sibling. I’m worried I won’t be able to give her enough attention when this baby is here. I’m also worried that since I’m so worried I will not be able to bond with this new child. I feel so bad for my daughter.

I’m terrified of everything right now.