When I got pregnant in may, I wasn't ready.. when I found out in June I 100% didn't want my baby, I was still getting drunk every weekend and smoking cigarettes, for God sakes my first child was only 5 months old, I had just left her dad in March, and I gave my parents custody of her (that's a long story as to why, I did what was best for her).

I told my mom I didn't want this baby, I wasn't ready, I couldn't do it... But I don't believe in abortions. My mom said she wanted to adopt the baby, I agreed.

I was adamant about not wanting this baby. At my 11 weeks appointment I saw my baby for the first time... My world stopped, I realized this baby was given to me for a reason... It had to have been... I told my mom I changed my mind and wanted to keep the baby, she obviously didn't mind...

At my 20 week ultrasound I find out it's a little boy! I was slightly disappointed... I wanted a girl, I wanted to redeem myself... I soon realized I wasn't trying to redeem myself, I was trying to fill the spot if not having my daughter.. the weeks went on and I was happy with having a boy. I wasn't sure how I was going to raise this baby alone (his donor abused me) but I knew I had to try...

Fast forward to having him and my world stopped for the second time... He was born blue, his cord wrapped around his neck and not crying... He also came out "depressed" as they called it basically he didn't want to breath. My mother instincts kicked in, all I could say was "is he ok?!" Finally they put him on me and I fell in love all over again... Now I've been raising him alone for the past 3 weeks (he'll be 3 weeks tomorrow) and I regret not wanting him... He's given my life meaning again, he's given me a purpose... I feel like a bad mom for not wanting him at first, but my god... I was right, he was given to me for a reason... He didn't need me, I needed him.

My Edward Alekzander, my saving grace💜