Part of me is so ready to start trying. My wife and I are hoping to do our first insem in June/July (depending on whether my cycle shifts between now and then). There are a multitude of reasons why we're waiting until then, but that doesn't make it any easier to be patient. I'm learning so much about my body and things are falling into place so that, from a physical standpoint, I'll be ready by the end of my next cycle. How do I keep talking myself out of going early?? My wife has been on board for like 4 years already so she's no help, lol.

But also... The two kids we already care for are already a lot. Some days are worse than others, and every now and then we have a great day where they make me feel truly blessed that they were brought into our lives when they were. They're our nieces, so technically they were already in our lives, but they weren't OURS until 2017. Still they're not technically ours... One of the things that's supposed to get sorted out before we start trying, because I don't want the stress of our current situation to impact the health of our future baby.

Because oh Lord, is it stressful. Some days (admittedly including today) I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing and I feel like the added emotional toll of a third child could be too much. I feel like I'm absolutely insane for even considering this right now, and I wonder if the only reason I even want this is because the pregnancy will be something that's exclusively mine...

Except... That it won't. This is something I'm doing with, and because of, my wife. And every time I hear about the medical issues that I know she's been struggling with, I remember that I'm doing this because she can't. Because I love her and I want to start a family with her, even if it means doing something I always said I never wanted to do. (Getting pregnant, giving birth, being a housewife, raising someone else's kids with no rights over said kids... The whole deal.)

Can someone please tell me they've felt any of these things before, so I know I'm not alone? I know that no one else will be in exactly the same situation as me but I need some community right now and I feel like I'm completely in the dust.