In my younger years getting pregnant seemed like this easy task. It was something you tried to avoid as long as possible. You didn’t want to be a statistic, limit your future, have a bad life. You hold on to this belief that if you wait till you’re married the the time will be perfect.

On paper this seems right. But in application, I’m not so sure. I’ve played by society’s rules and I’ve still not been rewarded. I’m trying and it’s not easy. It’s stressful,it’s emotional and it’s embarrassing. I’m tired of feeling like this month will be the month to only have my dreams dashed at the first sign of blood.

I’m tired of others asking prying questions and making insensitive comments. “Where is your baby?” “Don’t you want kids?” “What are you waiting for?” “Stop being selfish, leave the party life behind”.

I want to yell back! I want to tell them that my baby is still with God; I want kids, it’s just not happening; my time hasn’t come; If only you knew I’m far from selfish. I have so much love to give. Instead I just politely smile and nod.

If only others knew the hurt I walk with. The pain of not knowing when my turn will come. The sadness of not being able to fulfill a life long dream. The envy I feel when others show off their bumps or talk about their kids. The anger I feel when others throw theirs away.

I’m trying so hard to be patient. I know one day I’ll look back on these times and laugh. Deep down I know it will eventually come and this is just a test of my faith. Until then I will try to remain hopeful in-spite of my past defeats.