So I’m currently 36 weeks with my fourth pregnancy. I delivered my first with no complications back in 2016. Everything was beautiful.

In June of 2017 I miscarried naturally but it lasted over a month of bleeding...it was emotionally hard but we dealt ok.

In December of 2017 I found out I was pregnant again and we were so happy...February of 2018 I had a missed miscarriage and the end result almost killed me. I hemorrhaged after taking misoprostol and wound up in the ER and rushed into emergency surgery. My husband was a mess and thought that was the last time he would see me. It was traumatizing.

Now in August of 2018 we found out we were pregnant again and it was terrifying. I kept myself numb to it until about 25 weeks. Then I began to become a bit excited. This pregnancy has been a roller coaster ride. We have been on twice weekly appointments for months now because they first saw an amniotic band. The. When that wasn’t a concern anymore, her abdomen measured in the 4th percentile and she was diagnosed with asymmetrical fetal growth restriction. Which resolved itself luckily and she’s back on track. Then they were concerned about my placenta flow....just one thing after another. We had to sit through three different specialist obgyns telling us different things. One continuously talking about fetal death. And I left that appointment in tears.

However the one thing up in the air is my delivery this time. Will she turn in time (I’m scheduled for induction at 37 weeks 4 days) on March 8. My husband is petrified of another hemorrhage so im always putting on the fake confidence and braveness and trying to be strong.....

Honestly though y’all I am petrified to the core. I’m terrified that something is going to go wrong and im going to leave my husband without a wife and leave my 4 kids (2 are step technically) without a mother. I honestly am exhausted from putting up the brave front but I don’t want them increase anyone else’s stress levels.

Idk why I wrote this...just to vent I suppose. Honestly I just do not have anyone to talk to that I won’t bring down with me.