this is...extremely hard. I have told no one about this. My fiance cheated on me multiple times over the past 4 years we've been dating. We started dating 4 years ago and we've had our ups and downs, but I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. we're long distance (have been for about a year since he got a job opportunity in another state). He came to visit for about a week and go to our familys' dinners. he proposed at Christmas in my grandfather's living room. I was ecstatic and clueless. he cried. I cried. our moms cried and we all hugged and had champagne and homemade fudge. About a week after our engagement we are at his place. I've got 4 days left to go at his place before I go back home. one night my phone is dead, he is being a bed hog, I cant sleep, and my thumbprint is in his phone. so I go to the bathroom to poop and started looking through his messages for pictures of the engagement from various friends and family that have been sending them to both of us. There's a name I don't recognize. A girl. So I click it because I'm curious. Tada. pages upon pages of messages where he's calling her gorgeous and beautiful and honey. she's flirting. at one point she says that she's too tired to get herself off and he says "I guess that means I'm up to bat, huh?" my stomach is fucking churning. so I finish the entire message thread. Of course I screenshot a bunch of it, sent it to myself, and deleted the messages and pictures. Then I started really looking through the rest of his messages and pictures and apps and Instagram and texts. I looked through every single thing on his phone. there was more. because of course there's more. he's been cheating the entire 4 years up until when he got the ring a couple months before this. at least according to messages. I screenshot everything and do the same as above. I went in, put his phone back, watched him sleeping, and cried my fucking eyes out. I didn't say anything that morning. didn't get any sleep either. He had no idea. I played a pretty convincing part. but I had no idea what to think. I was shattered inside. I wanted to marry this man. a week ago he proposed. but this has been going on up until a couple months ago. Later I ended up packing a bag while he was out of the house. he came back to me sitting on the floor in the middle of the room with a bag packed. He asked me what was up. I told him to look at his phone (he forgot it when he went out so I sent all the screenshots to him). He picks it up off the charger and stares at it, scrolling for a few minutes in silence. then "I don't know what to say" I gotta admit I lost my cool a little bit here. I had it contained until that. it was like a pin came out of a grenade. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO SAY?" I started screaming and the tears were flowing. I'll fast forward (sorry I'm an english major, I like to write, and I have all of this imprinted in my brain. probably forever.) so we argue. I yell. he talks like I'm a kind of wild animal he needs to calm down. He wont meet my eyes. He apologizes. he cries. he says it will never happen again. he says he wants to marry me. he says that she means nothing to him and neither do any of the others. he says he thought I was too good for him and he was scared he was going to lose me so he self sabotaged and fucked up. blah blah blah. Finally I told him I didn't want to leave at the moment but I'm still not sure I'll stay. that I needed to think. He says okay. I stay the weekend to try and talk through stuff and figure out what happened exactly. i asked him question upon question and he answered them all. truthfully? well i cant say. then I leave. well it's now 2 months later and I am incredibly depressed and drained. I spend all my time alone in my house or going to class. I'm stoned almost 24/7. I hate my fucking life. he is the one shining beacon in my life. I love his family. I love our dog we have together. I love us and our personalities together. I love our conversations and adventures. I love it all. but damn it if I don't want to also run far far away. I know there's a possibility that it's all crocodile tears. I know he could still be doing all these things he claims to have stopped. He hid it from me for 4 years because I never thought to look at his phone. He lied to me over and over again. and I still can't seem to let him go. I hate myself for it. I always said if he cheated I would leave him but...I never thought he actually would...I dont know how to fix us when I feel dead inside and I'm indifferent to him at this point. I'm used to him not texting me. or calling me for long periods of time or just telling me really vague answers. and I've grown indifferent to it. if he texts me, I'll text him. we haven't talked much. he "doesn't like texting" but he can text just fine with those girls. so the only time we get to actually talk and connect is when we do a video chat. they are usually 1 every week. sometimes 2. usually anywhere from 10 minutes to 3 hours long. so anywho that was an extremely long extremely stoned rant about how my life is terrible and I can't make decisions and I hate it because no one knows and I feel so fucking alone