Today CD29

Pregnancy test BFN

I have been an emotional wreck.

We did Letrezole CD3-7

Menopur CD7-14

<a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> 2/13

I was sure that this was it. I was just positive it was. I was taking the 3 test strips at a time convincing myself that something was there. And somedays it was, that is why I am just confused, and hurt and angry. Angry at myself and thinking of all the things I could be doing different to have a better outcome. Did I take that stair hike too soon? Did I not rest enough? Was it something I said? I literally wished upon a shooting star like child. I saw rainbows and at times double ones thinking that this was my time. That that was my sign. Even today on my way to work I saw the faintest one trying to peak through the rain clouds. And I was sure that when I got home and tested again, today would be the day. I hid the window of the test, so I wouldn’t keep peaking at it. I could feel every oz of blood rushing through my body. Enough time had passed, and I desperately grab the test hoping to see a YES. And only to be disappointed to see the NO. The smallest of “no” in the window of the test was the biggest blow to my heart in that moment. Yesterday at work, a lady came in the office so happy to show off her 2 month old baby. And all I could feel was anger that I still don’t know what the feeling is. And that I will have to continue to wait. Just wait for my period to start so we can try again. But as those thoughts begin to cross my mind, I automatically jump ahead to this very moment and can’t help but feel even more emotional.

I try to fight the tears and hold it in because I don’t want my husband to feel pressure or sorrow. I want to think positive and get ready for round 5. But I absolutely cannot control these tears. He hates when I cry. But we had a moment today where he just held me, and I didn’t feel alone. But I just want to sleep . Because at least with work, I can focus and hide whatever is going on at home. But the drive to and from, my mind is just going a million miles a minute trying to process everything and over analyzing the “could haves” and “what would haves”. I’m in the kitchen cleaning and I start day dreaming of a different scenario. But, If I sleep, I can dream of the happiness that I so desperately long for. To hold that child and love it, even if it appeared out nowhere. Because in that small moment of disbelief, I feel whole.

I just want to sleep.