Warning: very long..

When I was a kid I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. I wasn’t diagnosed until years after my parents felt there was something wrong. When I was about 12 they told me I have depression. Idk how they could just tell me I have depression, I didn’t feel depressed... anyways. Looking back to the past 5-7 years I guess you could say I was. Lots of smoking and drinking, and skipping work and school to smoke and drink. Then I didn’t really think of it as depression, but now I see it.

Fast forward to last year, January I began my relationship with my now boyfriend. I had known him for years and he had been pursuing me for a few months so I gave in and we have been inseparable ever since. He loves me so much and is the best relationship I have ever had. Unfortunately in april I got laid off. And decided to take a few months off from working. That’s when I would say it started. I just became sad and over time I didn’t want to do anything. Moody, irritated, no motivation to do anything, in a very bad place mentally. I would yell, cuss and just be angry all the time. Extremely out of character for me, I’m normally relaxed, go with the flow, hippieish...

Being very into mental health (as he has a few mental disabilities, as well as his mother) he suggested that I talk with someone. I was against it at first and have been in therapy for about 5 months now. He has been so supportive of me! And I love him so much!! But I do t feel like the therapy is helping. I don’t feel like I am understanding what I need to understand and I don’t feel that I am progressing very much and I know it takes time but idk maybe it’s not for me...

We have both wanted kids for years. We both last year said we want to have children together. I have always wanted kids. I’ve worked at day cares, kids play places and museums, I’ve baby sat my friends kids, and even watched one friend give birth! I want to be a mother so bad, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. All I can think about, being a great mother, being pregnant, watching what we have created grow and prosper, and help them learn, develop, and progress! I get comments all the time about how nurturing I am, how I will be a great mother, asking when we will have kids, when our turn will be...

But now because of the bad depression and how it will take time for us to get pregnant because of my levels and other small factors he doesn’t want to conceive right now anymore. He thinks it’s what’s best for me and my mental state. And I love him so much and I know he feels that if I get pregnant now I will become more depressed and his fear is that he will loose me and the baby.... it kind of hurt to hear he doesn’t think I am mentally strong enough to have a baby right now. He only wants to hold out until fall, but I just don’t know why he wants to now go back and say let’s stop. I’m so sad and frustrated. I feel even more depressed now...

Well thank you for reading if you made it all the way to the end... just felt the need to get this off my chest... 😪😪