This all started in January of 2018. My dad got really mad at one of my younger sisters and hit her head so hard it gave her a concussion. My mom noticed she was falling over, dizzy, nauseous, etc. and took her to the ER. Doctors said it was extremely likely she had a concussion, but didn’t get a chance to get any imaging done because my dad was on his way home. My mom had to hurry and get home because my siblings and I were at the house, and she didn’t want us alone with him. The next day while my dad was at work, she was encouraged by a friend to call 911. The cops came, my mom took my siblings and I to a friend’s house so we’d be safe, then she went back to our house with the cops and had an order of protection served against my dad. I haven’t seen him since.

He’s always been abusive— physically, emotionally, and verbally,— but I’d never realized that it was actual ABUSE because that was just the normal in my life. When a CPS worked first explained to me that it WAS abuse, I almost couldn’t believe it. Then I thought really hard about the relationship I had with my dad.

Being around him was like walking on eggshells. One wrong move and he’d explode. He’d say things like he thought I was “Smarter than this, but I guess not” or “Don’t you see how selfish you’re being?” or “Can’t you see the stress you’re putting on our family?! You’re tearing it apart!” (Him and my mom were having major relationship issues, and he’d blame their problems on the way my siblings and I acted). He would grab me by my hair, slap my head, pin me to a wall by my shoulders and yell right in my face, punch holes in walls and doors, break things when he was angry... the list goes on and on. It was terrifying, and I’m so happy we got away from him.

My mom went to court against him, but with no more evidence against him, and because he had no criminal history, the charges against him (domestic violence, child abuse, etc.) were dropped. The order of protection was altered so that it was only between my mom and dad, meaning that he could see us kids. My mom asked that if we were to go to visits, that they at least be therapeutic visits. My dad argues that they weren’t needed, and that he wanted to go straight to 50/50 custody. He still denies that he was ever abusive towards us, even though he’s treated my and my siblings horribly our entire lives. He was also incredibly abusive towards my mom throughout their entire marriage of 20 years — this is what had led to their relationship problems and eventual divorce.

Now, fast forward to the present. Again, I still haven’t seen him since the day we went to our friends house while the order of protection was being served.

He has made several false allegations against my mom. He has said that SHE’S the abusive one. That she does drugs, drinks around us all the time, used us as child slaves to clean/cook/watch the younger kids, sleeps around, and goes out and parties every night. She does NONE of these things. They didn’t have any proof, but since the allegations suggested we were in danger/a neglectful environment, CPS removed us from our house. We had to go stay with a foster family for two and a half weeks. We knew the family already- they were close friends with my mom- but that didn’t make it any easier.

Now, I’m not saying my mom is perfect. She made several mistakes as well— but the reason I’ve forgiven her and not my dad is because she recognized she did something wrong, apologized, and worked incredibly hard to fix her mistakes. My dad, again, still denies that he ever did anything wrong to us in our lifetimes and says my mom is brainwashing us into believing he abused us so she will get more out of the divorce.

Also, my mom has never abused us, so of course it was easier to forgive her and rebuild trust faster. However, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust my father again.

Currently, my youngest siblings have overnight visits with him since CPS has decided that they’re not old enough to decide for themselves yet (they’re all toddlers/younger kids). This makes me incredibly angry and scared because they’re very young. If my dad were to do something abusive to them, I don’t know if they would say anything. I’m sacred that they will have to live through the same things that I did with him. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been prescribed meds for depression, anxiety, and PTSD-induced nightmares. I’ve also been seeing a therapist for a few months now as well.

So far, I’ve been diagnosed with:

-Chronic depression

-Anxiety

-PTSD

-Dissociation/Maladaptive Daydreaming

-As well as a form of survivor’s guilt because I “made it out” but my youngest siblings haven’t.

My other siblings (I’m the oldest, but they’re the second and third oldest) and I have chosen not to go to stay with my dad at all. One of these siblings (third oldest) has seen him at two therapeutic sessions (which my dad finally agreed to), but they did not go well at all so those have now stopped entirely.

***Sorry if it’s hard to discern which siblings I’m talking about. I’m keeping genders and ages obscure to protect our identities. We have family members who have sided with my dad who report everything to him, and I don’t want to get us into trouble with them by being recognized***

Now, my dad is bringing up (with lawyers, the court, CPS, friends and family) the “fact” that my mom is brainwashing and controlling us even more. He even told my sibling (third oldest) who went to the therapeutic visits that if we could, I (the oldest) and our sibling (second oldest) would run back to him in a heartbeat if our mom would let us.

He is still trying to win back custody over us so that us older three HAVE to see him, and I’m scared of what might happen if that goes in his favor. My life has been so good with him gone!

My confidence and self-esteem have skyrocketed ever since he left. I joined my high schools student council, I have made so many new friends, I got my nose pierced (Which my dad originally had “forbidden”. He HATES piercings and tattoos), I’m cutting my hair, I got my first bikini (he would never let me wear bikinis, anything other than bermuda shorts, dresses/skirts had to be at or lower than my knees), and I got a whole new wardrobe (I said goodbye to a bunch of t-shirts and jeans that he always wanted us kids to wear and said hello to shorts, leggings, tank tops, blouses, etc).

Anyways, this is my story so far— I’ll keep it updated if anyone is interested. I just hope this inspires someone to realize that you CAN get help, and even though it might seem hopeless at first, good things CAN and DO still happen. My story started off terrible, and it still isn’t where I would like it to be, but it’s getting there and my family is mostly safe now. I am feeling so much better than I thought I was possible thanks to the love and support from friends and family.

Finally, if anyone ever needs to talk about abuse, domestic violence. etc comment below and I can message you. I’ve learned a lot over this experience and I would LOVE to help others who are struggling get to where I am now.

Thank you for reading, love y’all :)