I would like to apologize in advance. This will be lengthy and raw but, I feel that I need to share my story. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for many years. Through therapy and general maturing, I have found many outlets that helped me deal with the swirling thoughts that  plague my mind during the darkest of times. As I have sat here thinking about the best way to deal with and honor what I am having to go through; I decided that writing and telling my story would be the best option.

January 2019, The new year had just begun. 2018 had served as a difficult year full of life lessons and struggles for my family and me. I was hopeful that 2019 was going to be a better year. Throughout January I started showing symptoms of pregnancy. Mitch was adamant that I was in fact pregnant. I continued to deny his notion as just in November. I had been told that due to irregular cycles and a significantly tilted uterus I would have difficulty conceiving, if at all. Finally after being over 2 weeks late I began having intermittent cramping only lasting about 45 seconds. I felt as if my period was about to start at any moment. It still never came. I decided to take a test on February 5th. I initially took the test just to prove to Mitchell I was not pregnant, but after just 45 seconds that little blue line miraculously appeared.

I felt a wave of emotions that I had never experienced before. I was shocked, excited, scared, happy, worried, all at once. I called to schedule an appointment right away. They wanted me to come in to confirm the pregnancy. I went in two days later and they drew my blood. I anxiously awaited the results. The hospital called me the next day. My HCG levels were pretty low and they wanted me to come back in over the weekend to ensure that the levels would double appropriately. Instantly I began to stress and worry about the results but I was still excited. After the weekend I had my 2nd blood draw and luckily the level had doubled as it was supposed to and reached 883 from the original 254. At this moment I was having a normal, healthy pregnancy. I was so relieved. I got even more excited even though I continued to tell myself not to as it was still early and anything could happen.

Mitch and I began planning for the future as we waited eagerly for our first appointment. We discussed baby names, future vacations, and even the small things like just being a family together. After starting my prenatals I began having issues with going to the bathroom. Which is a common side effect. When I would have the most trouble I noticed I had started spotting. I was concerned as any mother would be so I called the doctor. She explained to me that first trimester spotting was normal and as long as I was not severely cramping and the spotting continued to be very light everything should be fine. We went about life still excited for the changes that were about to come. We had already chosen names. Aurabelle LaVonne for a girl, and Odin Arvid for a boy.

Soon, my spotting changed. It went from just when I would have trouble going to the bathroom, to spotting anytime. But still it was intermittent. Sometimes I would have light spotting very first thing in the morning and nothing the rest of the day. Sometimes I would have no spotting at all. Sometimes it would only be a light tinge of pink. Sometimes it would be a little bit more. I was a little concerned but again because it was light and intermittent I tried not to worry. On February 22nd I experienced the most spotting I had had this far into the pregnancy. It was still pretty light pink but more than what I was used to. I left work and went to the ER. They began with drawing blood to check my HCG.  It was 3,800, perfectly climbing. After drawing blood we decided to do an ultrasound to check on the baby. The baby was great! Nestled perfectly in my uterus, measuring at just 6 weeks 1 day with a healthy heart beat of 160. I can not even fully describe what I felt in that moment. Relief mostly, but also amazed and completely in love.

I couldn’t wait for Mitchell to get home so I could show him our beautiful baby. Seeing him so excited  made me love him more and more. He had been so supportive of me before I was pregnant. Then when he found out I was, he was literally turned into super dad in an instant. He took on so many rolls once I found out. Often times he would work late, come home, do the dishes and make dinner because I was so tired after work I would fall asleep before doing them, and not even cook dinner. He continued to make sure I was eating properly, drinking enough, and if there was anything I wanted he was quick to make sure I had it. I am a very easily stressed person. It is one of my faults that I am still having to work on today. Whenever I would have a bad day or stress in anyway, Mitch was there to ensure me all would be fine and there was no reason to stress. He has a way of calming me down and making me smile on some of the worst days. He understands that I need to be loved differently and is patient with me. I don’t think I would probably be here writing this if it wasn’t for his unconditional love and support.

March 1st exactly one week after my visit to the ER. I had spotting that morning. I again didn’t think anything of it. I went to work and later that afternoon I had spotting but there were very small clots as well. This was not normal and I was alarmed. I called my OB and she wanted me to come out as soon as possible. I once again left work and headed to the doctor. She initially tried to check for a heartbeat even though she was most certain that she would not be able to hear it with the doppler because I was still very early. She went ahead and drew blood so we could check my HCG again. That evening I waited anxiously for the results feeling uneasy about what exactly was about to happen. Finally the phone rang and I was told that my HCG had only risen 100 units since the previous Friday.

My OB informed me she wanted me to come back in on Monday to check my levels again to ensure they were still raising but if I was too concerned, or began to cramp to go to the ER. I think the word concerned is an understatement. I was completely terrified. I just wanted to know if the baby was okay I didn’t want to wait until Monday. I wanted to see that beautiful flicker one more time. I believe that the unknown is one of the hardest things about pregnancy. You know that you have this beautiful life growing in you, but you never know if everything is going okay. That flicker to me served as if my baby was saying “Everything's A-Okay Mommy!”

I headed to the ER once again looking for answers. After waiting just over two hours in the waiting room I was escorted back to a room. They started with the normal blood draw to confirm where my HCG level was at. As we waited for the blood results to come back, they decided to do a pelvic exam to check my cervix. Knowing if my cervix had opened or not would help determine if I was miscarrying or not. My cervix was still closed but there was a trickle of blood. I felt a little relieved that the my cervix was still closed. It gave me a little hope. We still requested an ultrasound just for a better piece of mind. No more than 15 minutes later, the doctor came back in with an ultrasound machine, and the results of my blood test. My HCG had dropped by over 1000 in just roughly 8 hours. A miscarriage was inevitable.

I will never be able to forget that moment. My mouth hanging open in shock. In that moment I wouldn’t say my heart broke. It disintegrated into nothing but dust. I lay in bed crying the hardest I ever had. I felt the nurse place her hand on my shoulder to try and calm me but honestly in that moment I didn’t want to be touched. I just wanted to disappear. I didn’t get home until roughly 4AM March 2nd. As soon as I got home Mitch and I looked at each other and I began sobbing uncontrollably. Why? Why was this happening to me? What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? Everything was perfectly fine last week! How could this be happening? I was so confused and was still unable to comprehend what was happening.

After trying to get as much sleep as I could, I woke up to cramping. The cramps were still intermittent but lower. With each cramp I cried harder. With each cramp I knew I was closer and closer to losing my baby. Mitch and I had originally planned on going to Des Moines to have dinner, go to a movie, and browse the baby section at Target. I didn’t really want to go because I was so upset, but thought maybe it would serve as an opportunity to distract myself. My cramping wasn’t too consistent and the spotting was still fairly minimal so we went ahead and took the trip to Des Moines.

Just as we arrived at the theatre I got out of the car and felt a huge gush. I yelled for Mitch and told him it was happening. With another step I felt another gush, then another. I knew it was all over my clothes. I began crying as we ran into the mall to try and get to the bathrooms as fast as we could. The family restroom was occupied so I had to go into the women's restroom. I walked quickly to the handicap stall. It was as if my entire uterus had fallen out. I was so scared in that moment. I had no idea what to do. I called Mitch to see if there was anyway he could come get my card to go and get me new clothes. He couldn’t because there was too many other women coming in and out of the bathroom. I cleaned myself up the best I could and rushed out of the bathroom. Mitch took my hand and we started rushing to Target which was located on the other end of the mall. I think this was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. Being pulled through the Merle Hay mall, hysterically crying, hyperventilating, covered in blood.

We finally made it to Target. I get new underwear, leggings, baby wipes and headed to the bathroom again. At this point I had calmed down a little bit. I changed my clothes and we headed back to the theatre to buy our tickets. Sitting through the movie was difficult. I was bleeding pretty bad still. I continuously had to get up to go to the bathroom. I began getting light headed, dizzy and nauseous but tried to push fluids and enjoy the movie as much as possible. After the movie we went to dinner and I actually started to feel better despite the cramping I was having. I even managed to smile a few times. It wasn’t until a couple with a new born baby was seated next to us that I started to cry again. Seeing that carseat made me sit there and think about all the opportunities I was losing in that moment. Opportunities that often parents don’t even think about.

We finished up dinner and started to head back home. During the drive home I decided I wanted to name the baby regardless of not knowing the gender because I did not want my child to go on just as “baby” or “my first pregnancy”. To me I wasn’t just miscarrying I was still giving birth to my child, just way too early. I chose the name Opal Lee. It was a name that I had considered originally and it is the birthstone for the month of October which was when I was originally due. To make the name more unisex I chose the middle name of Lee.

Throughout the whole ride home I cramped severely and consistently. Once again as soon as I got out of the car I felt a gush. I rushed immediately to the bathroom. After wiping myself I had a huge clot. But there was something different about this clot. It wasn’t just the dark red clots like I had most of the day. There was this purple red chunk of tissue. As I looked at it in the light I was almost certain that it was Opal. Sure enough it was. I could see the head, the neck, the body, and the buds that would have eventually turned into arms and hands. I expected to cry but I didn’t. I actually felt fairly calm.

I sat there and continued to stare down at Opal in amazement at what this baby had become in just 7 short weeks. I truly believe naming Opal, and taking that moment to just gaze down at my baby has helped me come to terms with everything that has happened in the past 48 hours. Yes, I am still grieving and I know I will never be the same. I will never know what happened, or why it had to happen. But what I do know, is I will still love my little Opal Lee until the day my heart stops, maybe even beyond that.