My husband and I started trying for number 3 Sept 18’. I knew I wanted just one more baby. With our other two it happened fairly quickly so when this one didn’t we started to worry and stress. Finally after the holidays in Jan I got our BFP. Excited and happy doesn’t even describe the feeling. I was so happy this step and the stress of trying was over... well two days later at 3W6D I started bleeding and cramping. Went into urgent care, took bloodwork and a scan which they saw no pregnancy but I tested positive for a pregnancy. 3 days later another HCG test and it tripped. My doc was happy and with no history of MC sent me on my merry way.

The 4 weeks till my appointment were stressful. I felt something was off since I was still having odd cramping which I never had with my other kids... but everyone said “it’s normal” “don’t worry” “bleeding can be normal”. I knew i wasn’t going to stop until I saw a healthy baby and heartbeat. I was also preparing myself, for the worst and hoping for the best.

Finally my 8 week scan comes. I’m nervous all day still feeling something off but trying to be positive. I get in there and I’m fairly self educated, she turns the monitor away from me and my heart sinks. I just know. She turns it back and says “ok, this is what we have” a 4w5d empty sac. I knew it just then this wasn’t going to be good news.

She asked me if it was possible I was off on my conception date. I said no way. Not possible. She asked me to get a HCG test done to see where my numbers were at. She said over 10k I’ll have hope. Under that no so much and to come back in a week. I never walked so fast to my car to fall apart in hysterics.

My poor husband understanding but not being emotionally tied just yet.

Well tests came back at 7k and from there out I knew my very small amount of hope was gone.

Logically I obviously want a healthy baby with no issues so I get it. I’m glad my body rejected it and I didn’t have to deal with either a later MC or chromosomal issues that the baby could have. I appreciate the body for that. But emotionally I’m broken. Hot mess. Angry.

After the day I started spotting but just brown blood which I know is normal. Come Friday the intense cramping started and late that night the red spotting, which turned into light bleeding and over the weekend tiny clots. I knew my body had started the miscarriage process on its own. I had to keep myself together since it was my sons 4th Birthday and i couldn’t break, just not yet, i HAD to get through the weekend.

I went in the following Monday to confirm. Sac was moving towards my cervix and I asked to schedule a D&C. After my ultrasound I had heavy cramping and then there it was a clot about the size of a small bounce ball. I knew that was the sac.

Next day, (today) I go in for my D&C and tell them about the clotting. They confirm, it is gone and I just have some excess tissue that i decide to let naturally pass. I’ll have bleeding for 1-2 weeks and eventually it will slow then stop.

Doc says I can start trying after my 1st period, but emotionally I’m not sure I’m ready. Today is a hard day, I know I see the light of this being over but I also know that baby I so desperately wanted is officially out of my body which is devastating.

I’m going to take the time to heal emotionally and physically and get healthy before We try again. I’ll never take being pregnant or trying to conceive for granted ever again and I am so grateful for my two living babies.

Also my poor husband. We got into the biggest argument today. We both now emotionally a mess and not communicating. Me hearing one thing when he’s trying to tell me another. Ugh it was bad. But we got through it.

I know this will make me stronger but today I chose to be an emotional mess, to be broken as I know I will pick up the pieces and be stronger after this. I do see the light And I know I will get my last healthy baby that I will cherish so much.

I will never forget my baby that was there even for a split second. I will always love you.

For anyone going through this I’m sorry. It sucks it really fucking sucks. But it’s ok to be sad, broken, tired or however you feel. ITS OK and you will be ok too.

I’m going to choose to talk about it. My story. I will not keep this pregnancy and MC a secret and I hope you talk about it to.

Being that 1 in 4 is too common for this not to be talked about.

Lots of love 💙