I’m 16 and in my first year of college. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety but it’s worse on some days than others and it depends on certain situations. For example at college - in some of my classes the atmosphere is good and everyone is loud and I’m with my friends and I feel fine and not anxious. But in some classes it’s an awkward atmosphere, it’s silent and I feel like every little thing I do will be noticed by everyone. Also classes where I have a teacher that picks on people to answer questions I feel awful and so anxious to the point where I feel physically sick, panicky, shakey, breathing fast, heart racing etc - I hope that made sense lol. But as I said sometimes I feel fine sometimes I feel shit - but it makes me feel like such a fraud. On the days where I feel fine I convince myself I’m an attention seeker and that I’m faking it and I don’t deserve help for my mental health (I’m currently seeing a counsellor) and it makes me really reluctant to get help because I feel like I’m wasting their time and my problems are pathetic. I get suicidal thoughts often - I don’t actually plan on killing myself because I know for a fact my life isn’t bad at all and I can still enjoy things and feel happy and have a laugh. But my life doesn’t feel worth living and I just think it’s pointless. When I think about the future I think “oh I hope I would’ve killed myself by then” even tho realistically I know I probably wouldn’t have. I just can’t really be bothered to live - when I leave college in a year and a half I don’t want a job or anything but at the same time I don’t want to be sat at home being eaten alive by own thoughts. I just don’t want to do anything. So being dead seems like the best option for me.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. But does this sound like a reasonable thing to talk to my counsellor about? Am I worthy of her time or am I being pathetic? Because as I said, when I feel okay I convince myself I don’t deserve help and that I’m fine. I don’t really know how to explain it. I just sort of want some reassurance that I’m not wasting my counsellors time