Before I let go I just need to vent. Im 19, been abandoned my entire life, never felt actual love so I don’t know how to give it. Even as a kid, you know when you’re playing house, and you have a million kids and a husband (or wife) and you’re happy and a family. I never did that, I tried but when I think about it I was always alone, my kids were never kids they were just animals and I never really had a family it was just me. As a kid I didn’t think anything of it, raised in a single parent home by a mother who’s wasn’t even mine but she couldn’t make any of her own so she settled for me. So in my imagination I was all I had. As abusive as my guardianship was it made me never want to adopt a kid, it’s hard to have a family tree with no real roots to anyone. I used to think I would have my own however my body said something different. I told myself when I get old enough I’m gonna make babies and love them bc I never had that, I was going to keep them safe and in my arms and never leave them, but uh, it never occurred to me that I would need someone to love me to even have a kid and yes I know sometimes it doesn’t end that way but why bring a kid into a home so lonely? Then I grew up a bit realized that kids were bullies and hurtful and I stopped wanting them. Because they hurt me. As I got older and all of my friends were having babies getting married I just joined the army so I didn’t have many options like that. I haven’t had any one to love me worth dealing with my life and my baggage and when I did it ended up tragically with a broken heart and a poetry book full of sadness I realized once again I would never receive the love that I longed for in the movies, in the books that I would read, having someone purposely plant their seed inside me and grow it with me and then I realized my soil wasn’t even fertile. And that’s when everything broke. Bc now I couldn’t think about why no one loved me now I have to think about all the things that i can’t give to anyone who would love me, let’s face it I’m not saying all I am as a woman is reproduction I know that I am more but when you’re body is created for growth and there is nothing to grow with no sunlight and no water and just infertile dirt. Who would I be to have someone fall in love with me only to not be able to give them another me. It’s hurtful, only for them to cheat, or raising someone else’s kid as charity and I get it adoption can be for the best but it wasn’t for me so I have a different perspective. And then with a sex addiction hoping one day that even though they don’t love you you may have a surprise and within that receive all the love that you never had but damn. I can’t even have an accident. I don’t even get to feel what it’s like to create a heart beat. I think that shit hurts the most.