Im 23. FTM. Breast feeding.

But I cry myself to sleep some nights with my baby and fiancé next to me

I look through all the pictures I've taken of her over the past 4 months of her life, and cry instantly when I think about how I treated her..

This was what I had hoped for , for months. I wanted a baby to take care of, to love, to fill a hole in my heart. And she did.

But im pretty sure im still struggling with ppd and I'm afraid to go to anyone about it because of what I've thought or done. I haven't put bruises on her, I have squeezed her leg or arm to make her cry because she was already crying and I couldn't get her to stop.

I would never thought if hurt but i know for a fact it will never get worse. I've been told numerous times by my fiance that im doimg a great job and im the most perfect mother she could've asked for, but i still cry knowing what I've done to my princess because shs didn't and doesn't understand anything. I sob and sob just thinking of the fact she looked to me for comfort .. And I got and get aggravated with her and just yelled and hurt her 😭 I just wish I could go back to the day she was born and restart all over.

I don't deserve my child , I'm not good enough for her.

Plus it doesn't help her father is out working anywhere from 8 -12 hrs a day and he barely helps. I understand he's tired and hurting, but it's like so am I.