I honestly don't know what to write here but I need to let these feelings out.

Friday just passed I tried to end my life, I took a lot of tablets and it messed me up really bad and my partner found me. Our child was safe as I had been depressed from the moment I woke up, I asked my mother in law to have him for me because I physically and mentally couldn't shake the feeling of suicide. I tried all my coping methods, I wrote my feelings down but that made me feel worse, I put on a film that I knew that would make me smile and it did nothing, I listened to a song that helps me with my suicidal thoughts and it was on repeat for 2 hours and it did nothing. Non of my coping methods worked at all, within a few hours I had lost all sight of hope, all sight of a future that I wanted, all I saw was the fact that I was the problem. I was a no good mother, my children were better off without me, they would bee happier without me, my partner would be better and the final thought was no one would miss me. No one misses me now so what would change if I actually disappeared? Then those thoughts turned into actions, I was taking as many tablets as I could swallow with no thought to surviving, just the thought of dying and ending it all.

The thing is I have suffered from emotional abuse from my mother and it started at a very young age and it still continues to this day. It would be totally easier if I cut her out of my life but she has custody of my eldest son so I have to go through her for contact, she emotionally manipulates me, she makes my mental health 1000x worse and whenever I get these thoughts I have her voice in my head telling me I'm worthless, she cannot cope with me because of my mental health, she just doesn't want me around anymore because I grew up with her saying these things. Along with that my father has bipolar, it's the main reason my mother left him so growing up with a mother who cannot cope with you anymore so sends you to live with your father who, was so depressed he never got out of bed. I understand that it wasnt his fault and he tells me he wishes he did different but it happened and we cant change what has happened in the past. I took on the mother role in my father's house because he was so depressed nothing got done. Because of all this I was diagnosed with BPD at the age of 17 and then it was re-confirmed at the age of 20. I'm 24 now and have lived with these thoughts for the best part of 10 years. It was 2 years since I took my last overdose and I was doing so well but there is only so much my mind can block out.

This was 5 days ago now, I'm still insanely depressed but the suicidal thoughts of subsided a bit, they're still there but I've been keeping them at bay. Currently my 1 year old is sleeping in my arms and I cannot find it in me to put him in his cot. He is the reason I'm still here, he is the very reason I am still breathing and that is because he is my life. He was born at 34 weeks through a c section because he kept popping his waters, it was all very sudden but if they didnt get him out then he would of died because as it turns out I has sepsis but they never caught onto that until 4 days post birth. I remember that pain, my whole body on fire and not being able to do anything about it but I still walked all the way over to SCBU (special care baby unit) just to hold my son, just to know he was alright and for him to know mammy was there. I know I shouldn't of tried to end it, I know now people will miss me and the main one would be my son.

I know in the future itll get better, I know not everything is lost but I just hope whoever reads this knows, you're not alone. You're entitled to feel depressed, it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to spend a day in bed recovering because mental illness is exactly that, its a illness. If someone was recovering from a broken leg you wouldn't tell them to walk on it because itll get better, you tell them to rest and take it easy. You need time to rest and you're allowed to do that! Just know, once you feel better the ones you love will still be there. You are loved even though you done feel like it and you're never alone. You are enough and you're an amazing person to go through these struggles and cone out the other end.

I hope this helps someone, if not that's fine but I just needed to get it all out.