Today I'm 6 weeks 5 days. My periods are all over the place but I KNOW for a fact I ovulated Friday Feb 1st. So I'm 99.999% I'm 6weeks 5 days. All my HCG test results have been fine with the exception of my last test on Monday. It was to be over 17,000 and my HCG was 4860.

When the nurse called she seemed positive and then told me my HCG number, my stomach immediately twisted. I said "oh no that's not good", she seemed confused and said "wait huh? H.o let me look at your old ones". All I could hear was her clicking her mouse and keypad. She then replyed with "umm ok let me page ur doctor I'll call u shortly." I knew this wasn't good. In this moment I felt helpless all my happiness gone.

They called an hour later and she said he wants you to go for an early ultrasound tomorrow. I said ok. I was upset but I had a sense of calmness too. Untill 130 this morning I rolled over in bed to try and sleep and I realized, Oh my God my breasts don't hurt. I grabbed at them to just be sure and I had no more tenderness. This is when I broke down. I cried so hard I woke my husband. I haven't cried this hard since I was a kid. I finally fell asleep around 630am but I had to leave the house by 830 for my 900 appt. I ended up getting up showering (except I didn't wash my hair cuz fuck washing your hair in times like this right? Lol)

I got to the center early at 815 and they took me in at 830. I was so thankful. Upon registering she said your office put the electronic order in however all we can see is the test your here for but no other info. We can do the test but the ultrasound tech has no other info. I was like greaaattt this couldn't get any friggin better. Upon being called in she had a smile and saw my face and she could tell I was worried. Once alone in the room I told her my periods are 3 months apart. So I'm confident I'm 6weeks 5 days. I told her about my blood work, and that we were making sure it wasn't an etopic. She seemed pleasent and nice and then she started the scan. She was quiet really quiet. The quiet I get when I XRay patients and I see things that are not right. I can read xrays all day but ultrasound are another launguage, literally. I could see I had a cyst in my left ovary. I was thinking at first ok fuck the baby never made it out of my ovary?... She kept going to the right ovary no cyst then I said out loud that's a cyst on my left. She looked at me and knew I knew more then the average patient. She said yes but it's most likely the corpus luteum and I felt a sense of relief. I said in my head Of course! OMG what was I thinking jeez Katy get ur shit together you knew that!. She then couldn't see anything in the uterus but a little sac. She knew she needed to do a transvaginal to get better images. I emptied my bladder and undressed she came back in and then I saw it. A sac. A cute baby sac. Only no baby. She tried to calm me and tell me not to worry. She never did a heartbeat Doppler, never gave me a pic to take home. When she told me to dress and step out the room I took these with my cellphone from the screen.

I know in my gut I have a blighted ovum. A baby that just never was. I wait till 3pm before my doctor's office calls me. They tell me your doctor's not in today I reviewed the report. It says your measurements are 5 weeks 3 days. I go wait what? No the sac was empty. The nurse tried to say I know but it's still early your calculations could be off. By this point I just wanted to go back to bed. She said your doctor will call you tomorrow. So now here I am, in limbo. Convinced I have a blighted ovum. And this woman who's trying to keep me calm, is actually giving me false hope. And she shouldn't be. I wanted to share my story cuz I'm hurting, and I haven't seen what happens in this written out in detail so in the case their is a woman on this app looking for this same thing. Here's my story. Your not alone. I wouldn't wish this helplessness on anyone, even my worst enemys.

::cross posted in October 2019 due dates::