Long long rant....

2 weeks ago I was diagnosed with sever anxiety and mild depression... Never thought I would ever be depressed.

It all started 12/14/2018..... That day I put my father in the hospital with 545 blood sugar level... If we waited to check on him at Christmas like we planned we would of probably buried him instead. 12/18/2018 the guys came to start work on our basement (we were having it finished). 12/19/2018 Had my dad moved from the hospital to a rehab center. His house and the hospital was 1 1/2 hours away from my house. (And his sisters house). The rehab center we moved him to was in my city which was closer to all of us. My “sister” (long story about “”) only wanted to visit our father instead of help with anything else that had to do with my father.

My aunt and I went to my fathers house to see what was going on and maybe give the doctor some info about how he was living since the diabetes was messing with him mentally. He was showing signs of dementia which high blood sugar can do. Well... he peed and shit everywhere. All 3 bathrooms looked like he couldn’t hit the toilet to save his life. The house smelled really bad. We started to go thru everything to find out what bills he had to pay (like his mortgage) and if he was taking his medicine (he is diabetic and hadn’t been taking his meds for 2 years). He stoped filling his paperwork and was living on the first floor (3 story townhouse) with the only bathroom on that floor was a half bath. He “took” bathes in the sink.

My sister, our aunt and I went to a lawyer to find out what we could do legally to help him. I became the power of attorney and my sister became secondary power of attorney. She doesn’t want any info about the power of attorney stuff. Nothing.

In January the rehab center screwed us over to get long term Medicaid for my dad before his short term status ended. We had to sell his house and clean out his house really really fast. He didn’t have any money to live off of.

I’m a SAHM and my aunt watches her grandson during the week. We only had the weekends to make the 1 1/2 hour drive to clean out my dads house so we could sell it. My stupid sister didn’t want or cared to help. We finally sold it in February. All my dads stuff that we kept is in my kitchen and living stinking up the place.

My basement was being worked on during that time as well. A 2 week project turned into a 6 week project. Once they were done it took me a week to get them to clean all the crap they left around the outside of my house. I still have crap inside that no one has cleaned up. I’m done calling them. They never called to follow up with me. You would think the head guy would come or call if you called him about 6 times in a week. Nope nothing. We were going to do the floor ourselves instead of pay for someone to do it. It’s cheaper. Now we are having a hard time paying for the floor since we are struggling financially.

Mid February we were able to get my dad out of the rehab center and into an assisted living home. He doesn’t understand why he needs to be there. He thinks he can live on his own. He can’t walk correctly, he can’t go to the bathroom without making a mess, he doesn’t want to cook and make healthy meals, he doesn’t understand he can’t go out and buy fast food and lottery tickets all the time. 1 it’s bad for his health and 2 he doesn’t have the money for it. Yes. We sold his house but he needs that money to last till he turns 65 and he is only 61.

Last week my husband had the flu, my son had a temperature and I got a cold. This week all 3 of us are still coughing and my son hates being in his car seat to sleep. (He coughs the worst at night) been stuck in the house for 2 weeks.

Last Sunday we discovered we have a leak in our roof. This past Thursday my aunt (different Aunt) died due to complications from her heart surgery she had the previous day. My son turned 15 months old (good news but sad news cause he is growing so fast and I feel like I’ve missed everything since December).

I feel like an overwhelmed being. I don’t feel like myself, or a mom, or a wife, or daughter. I hate it. My husband and I are having problems in the bedroom now. We are having financial issues. Before everything with my dad started we were set financially to do the basement and pay for the floor. Then crap happened at my husbands job and his commission paycheck dropped almost $1,000 a month. Stupid asses not doing their job correctly. It affected a lot of people’s paychecks. Plus me driving back and forth to my dads cost a lot in gas. We are having a hard time planning our vacation for this year. Our only get away with his family (best part of our year sometimes, I love his family better then my own). I want to help financially but I don’t know how. I craft to stay sane but my craft room is now a storage room, my dads stuff has takin over the dinning room table, the basement floor isn’t in yet so I can’t set up my craft room downstairs (where it will be moved to), once the floor is put in I have to move my dads stuff into my craft room on top of everything else that’s in my current craft room. I haven’t crafted since October when we did my sons early first birthday party. And I feel like if I could craft I could make things to sell to help financially some how.

We can’t afford daycare. I don’t trust daycares. So getting a retail job or going back into the car business is out.

I’m so much more snappy lately. I’m normally snappy on my period but now I’m snappy all the time. I snap at my son a lot. He cry’s when I snap at him. I hate it. I just want to throw the dog across the room, all she wants to do is go up and down my body when I’m sitting on the couch (she is a chihuahua). I think of killing my self so my husband can get my life insurance to be more secure financially. With it he could pay the house off and half the other debt we have. I don’t want to miss my son growing up, I just don’t wanted to have to worry about money all the time. And now I have to go get a blood test done to check my A1C. I might be diabetic.... I know my weight doesn’t help. I had a workout plan I started to do the week all of us got sick. And I can’t start a new workout program being sick. I have to wait for this stupid cough to go away before I can start it again. Sorry for the long rant. I’m typing and crying. It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep. My poor son is waking up crying cause he is stuck in his car seat. It’s raining outside and our roof patch job didn’t work cause the rain is coming in the house. Our insurance adjuster is coming out Monday to tell us if they will cover the repair or if it’s coming out of our pocket (something else we can’t afford).

Im at an all time low emotionally and mentally. We’ve had some pretty scary lows in our marriage but I’ve never felt like this. Having a baby screws with everything. 😭😫😣😥😢 I want another baby but I don’t know how we can do it financially. I’m turning 35 this year and feel like we waited too long to have a kid. I don’t want him to be an only child. My husband is on the verge of getting snipped so we don’t have an accident of getting pregnant. He says with our luck lately that it might actually happen.

I’m ranting now. And this is gone on too long.