Bittersweet

My husband and I met on IG about 5 years ago. I was 23 and he was 19. He was 3,000+ miles away. He was perfect from the moment we connected.

We started texting then talking on Skype to eventually talking for hours and falling asleep on the phone together despite the 3 hour time difference.

He eventually came out to meet me. We both decided he should stay. So just like that he did. He actually asked me the third day together to marry him to which I said no. A few months later I finally said yes.

The months leading up to the wedding red flags here and there popped up but ... I loved him. I thought this was love.

We started fighting a lot. He spent most of his time on video games or on his phone. He was becoming this person I didn’t know or understand.

A little after a year married I got pregnant with our son. All during that he was mean unsupportive emotionally and verbally abusive. I should’ve left then. I was scared though a young first time mom finishing my masters. I thought I needed him.

At first post baby things were really bad. But as my son turned 4,5,&6 months things really improved. I thought we’d did it. We overcame all that bad stuff. That was until I left my job last spring to move to South America.

We ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time and had to flee back to the states with our then 1.5 year old son. We had nowhere to go but my parents falling down house. So we did. We lost all our money in our adventure with not one penny to our names.

My husband was optimistic at first. He got a job at Starbucks. I started applying to jobs at daycares. Finally I found one where my son could come too. Then we found out we were pregnant again.

So my cousin got my husband a job seasonally driving with UPS with the hopes they’d keep him. Well they didn’t. My husband had a mental breakdown. He was diagnosed with PTSD Depression and bipolar. He got prescribed 3 different meds at once. His adjustment has been awful.

Today reached a breaking point. He had yet another panic attack in the car. He started calling me names in front of our son over and over saying maybe our son will know how to treat a disrespectful woman by watching I asked him to leave the car. He punched the radio and tried unsuccessfully to spill coffee all over me.

He just came back now to pack his stuff.

I’m at the point where I don’t really care about our relationship but I feel so bad for our son who saw everything and for our daughter who now won’t have a father. Our son is so attached to my husband I know this is going to hit him hard. I know it’s what’s best for now and maybe forever but my heart truly breaks for him. The pain and sadness I feel right now is for my son and my unborn daughter.

I’m also scared. Scared to be a single mom of two little ones. Scared to go through labor alone maybe even surgery as I’m trying for a VBAC. But it’s just as scary if not scarier to stay in this situation. My back is against a wall.

So it’s bittersweet. Yes I want him gone. Yes I think he needs to leave and hopefully get better. But a part of me mourns that we couldn’t fix it couldn’t make it work that my son has to get hurt in all this.

I’m going to be strong though. My kids will need me to be. Please pray for us.