Back story, when I was around 9-11 years old my parents used to rent a room to a close friend of them. They were a family of 5 mom dad brother#1 (who was never home) brother#2 (who always wanted to play with me and his sister, he was probably 17-20) sister(who was my age).

They had a beautiful house and my parents couldn’t afford anything other than a room the room they were renting. Me and the sister would play all day after school but soon I noticed that brother#2 wanted to play with us two but for some reason he always wanted to play video games with us, the thing was that when we did play with him he would let his sister play on his phone and he would let me play on his tv but would only want me to sit on his lap because it was easier for him to “teach” me how to use the console that way. I felt uncomfortable but never really think his intentions were bad. Time passes and the lap sitting continues but this time his hand “slips” to my breast. I stand up because I don’t want to play no more and his sister gets mad at me because it’s my fault that her brother doesn’t want her to play on his phone no more. I get sad about it but in my head I’m so confused. Couple hours pass and he tells me “if you tell your parents mine are going to kick your parents out of the house and will have no where to live” terrified I did nothing. He kept inviting me and his sister to play video games for months I would say (or at least that’s how long it seemed for me) and same thing me on his lap but his breast touching became more aggressive. I can remember him playing with my nipple, pressing my entire boob, him having a fucking boner I remember feeling it in my bum the way he played with my boobs was so disturbing I never said anything because I was scared of getting my family kicked out and not having where to go. Finally we moved out I grew up and got married. Intimacy came with marriage and it was all good until it came to my husband wanting to touch my boobs! I jerked off! Which made him feel that he was doing something wrong. I never told him my issue and would avoid him feeling my boobs completely. I conceived a child once he was born, it was time for breastfeeding... I was incapable of doing so. It felt wrong all the sensations of having someone in my breast led back to this person touching me. So I didn’t breast feed. Problems come to my relationship because my husband wants more he wants to be able to touch me freely so I tell him what happened. He understands and lets time go by we talk about it again tells me that telling my parents about it could be a sense of relief. I told them and reacted as any parent. Furious and sad. Feeling like they failed but this did take off some weight on me which makes me want to try to over come this and wanting to be a capable women and capable of breastfeeding. It’s something I need to feel complete. So my husband and I start slow with stimulation on my breast. And it’s been good I’d say. It was hard and sometimes I still feel like I’m doing wrong that my breast should be kept away from every one but I fight against it Day by day. I’m currently pregnant and planing to breastfeed but still scared of my sensations and my mind not letting me achieve my desire. I know breast are beautiful and they are bad ass for doing so much for little humans, I want to be bad ass enough to let them bloom into nature without holding back 🌿

Loving yourself can be hard, but we gotta give it all ladies! Even the most little abuse can affect so much but it’s within us to let it affect our life. It’s extremely hard to just move forward and some people don’t understand but you do you.